Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Updates and learning to recover from binge-eating

So I took a break from stressing and recording all my food intake. It felt nice for a couple of days but then I just ended up binging on sweets and that didn't feel good at all. I really love sweets; cupcakes, cake, cookies. But the honest truth is that I don't know how to control my portions. And if I eat one piece of cake one day, I want another plus two cookies the next. I am a binge eater. Yes, I've admitted it before, but lately I am understanding that binging and dessert-addiction is something I need to get under control now before I end up with a full fledged problem...or is it a problem now? Anything that causes distress and takes away peace and happiness IS a problem, for sure. Anyhow, while I still don't have the answers, I am taking steps to figuring out what to do. I know the most success I've had with my eating was when I abstained from dessert and snacking. Of course, once I got around my friends, the binging began again; and that's one red-flag I've discovered recently (aside from the obvious and common stress/anxiety-induced and emotional-related binging I, and many others, fall prey to regularly): I tend to binge when I'm excited. When I'm having fun. When I'm hanging out with friends or in a group. Isn't that wierd? And it really makes sense when I connect it to my prior problem with alcohol binging. I never drank alone. And only rarely did I drink out of depression. I always drank at a party or with my friends and boyfriend. I would start drinking just one drink, having a great time, hanging out, loosening up, laughing. Then I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop. I admit, I often started drinking because I felt awkward in social situations and large crowds, but more often I would drink because I was excited and having fun and really could not make myself stop. Not for many years. And the only thing that got me to stop drinking for good was a very BAD drinking experience. If that event hadn't happened, I'd probably still be drinking and loosing dozens of memories of drunken nights, not to mention the brain cells.

Overeating and binging is more difficult because it's not hurting anyone. Others don't really notice. I don't look fat and I'm not overweight. So people just laugh and say, "I can't believe you can keep eating!" or "I don't know how you can even eat that much!" My boyfriend probably sees the worst of it and compares my behavior to that of a heroin addict, but even he hasn't stepped in to make me seriously control my binging. And again, I remember back to my alcohol problem; no one else thought it was serious because I wasn't drinking alone and most of my friends thought I was funny when I was drunk so they didn't want me to stop. Why isn't a problem serious until you have hit rock bottom? I didn't want to wait to quit drinking until I found myself face down in an alley! And I don't want to wait until I am obese to quit binge eating! I hope I can get the support I need. I have a hard enough time taking myself seriously; it IS funny that I can eat more than my boyfriend and still think I'm hungry; it IS funny that I can eat 4 giant cupcakes in one sitting without a care in the world. But it isn't healthy. I don't feel good about it.

I've tried so many things: I went vegan; this helped me restrict myself from a lot of foods and I was able to maintain a steady weight but I still ate A LOT and still binged on an unnecessary amount of sweets; in fact I think my binging got worse after going vegan because I started baking more and eating everything I made and discovered the bounty of vegan treats available and gorged myself on them. I tried eating a high-raw diet; this helped me lose weight but I wasn't eating balanced because I would binge on a huge dinner followed by all the dessert I could consume until I was nauseated. I tried my Addiction Free Diet Experiment; this was wonderful for a couple weeks, but as soon as I started bringing sweets back into my diet and letting myself have "fun days" and then rewarding my weight loss with a binge fest, it all went down hill and my amazing experiment was destroyed (obviously, the diet works: I just didn't keep myself to it!)

So yes, I can see the problem is not what I'm eating or what diet I'm following, but my relationship with food and binging. I don't quite understand what to do about it, but I'm hoping to figure it out. As a good first step, I bought a book called "Crave: Why You Binge Eat and How to Stop" by Cynthia M. Bulik. I'm about 3/4 through. It's very interesting to read a book from a pshycological perspective specifically about binge-eating and not from a specific lifestyle-diet's perspective. While I love being vegan and eating lots of raw foods, I've already got that down; another vegan/raw cookbook isn't going to make everything better. Veganism and the benefits of eating more raw foods are already ingrained into my lifestyle. Now I need to learn what to do with those foods and how to relate to them differently. One thing that I learned from the book is to eat a substantial breakfast, every morning, hungry or not. Ideally, this will make you spread your calories throughout the day and keep binge-eaters from going off the deep end at dinner. I'm willing to try this because it makes sense; I've been following Natalia Rose's method of eating "light to heavy" throughout the day, and while I do agree that this method will help you digest and pass your food the easiest, it might not be best for me, since I DO tend to binge on a LARGE dinner, followed by a dessert or snacks. So I'm going to change my eating schedule around, and see if that helps me binge less and eat better throughout the day.

What a journey.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


So my juice fast only lasted half a day. For one, I realized how expensive it was going to get, which started getting me down since I am on a budget. For another, the green juice I took to work yesterday to get me through just didn't taste good (I diluted it with water to make it last longer, and that wasn't a good idea) and was starting to make me nauseated. My energy started to drain and I wasn't feeling well. But then I remembered I still had a Vega snack pack with me. So I mixed that up quickly and immediately felt better and full of energy. I haven't been taking Vega regularly, since it is so expensive and I wanted to drink green smoothies for breakfast when I can, but I'm thinking I might try to incorporate Vega into my daily routine. It's just so full of vitamins and minerals and protein; so much good stuff and it makes me feel good which is important. I can still have green smoothies every day; I'll just have them for lunch or mix Vega into my smoothie!
In other news, I think I might take a break from recording everything I eat and focusing on it so much. I'm sick of being on this roller coaster ping-ponging between a high-raw diet and a eat-whatever-I-want vegan diet. I need balance but it just hasn't been happening. I have this tendency to strive for all-or-nothing; it's like I feel like I need to be 100% Raw if I'm going to eat raw at all or I need to eat cooked meals every night if I'm going to eat them at all. I need to relax, seriously! Take the pressure off myself all ready! Then again, maybe I'm not pushing myself hard enough. Maybe I'm giving myself too much freedom. Maybe I really need to banish desserts. Maybe I need to banish cooked food. I really don't know. I have so many questions and it seems like this pattern keeps happening over and over again. I want to be satisfied with my diet once and for all! I want to maintain my perfect weight for more than 2 weeks at a time! To be honest, I know the problem isn't ALL about what I eat and how much...it's me. I'm the one who chooses to binge. I'm the one who chooses the chocolate cake. I definitely have a lot of internal work to do and I don't have the answers I desire and I don't know where to start (even though I've done it before lol). But analyzing, asking, stressing, and wondering has never done me any good; the only thing that has is quieting my mind, and letting go. So I might take a little break from focusing on food and my weight. I need to learn to do things in the now. I need to learn to make decisions based on how I feel now; not because in my food journal I ate a certain something and still lost weight, or because a book tells me I can or should eat a certain way. I mean, even blogging about it right now is making me focus on it!

But guess what? I'll let it go. I don't know all the answers; but then again, deep down, I do. If my mind will be quiet enough, I will hear them.

Relax. Live. Eat. Nourish.

Chocolate Greens Smoothie and Juice Fasting!

So I have been eating pretty healthy (lots of raw) and making healthier decisions, but I am finding that my stomach has been hurting after a lot of things I eat. I feel like I've grown to be very intuitive about my body and am noticing things I maybe would have just ignored. But, then again, maybe these are new signs. Maybe my body is telling me that it is literally sick of food. Even my daily green smoothie has been hurting my tummy. Mind you, this week's smoothie was an experiment: Chocolate Greens. But as I am familiar with all the ingredients in the smoothie and use them all regularly, I can't see what could be upsetting my tummy! Anyhow, yesterday I didn't eat at my best (my mom took me out to a veg Indian restaurant, which was yummy...and I ate a piece of vegan chocolate cake...yum!) and my stomach wasn't too pleased. But it wasn't the normal upset feeling I've gotten in the past. It was more similar to the pain of taking too much rough medication, like Tylenol. And my kidneys felt a little hurt as well.

My intuition has been pushing me toward a juice fast for quite awhile now. I keep picturing a Juice Fasting Retreat. But right now, that option is not available to me. What is available is a juice fast! So on my way home from my mom's, I was feeling peaceful (despite my tummy) and made the decision to juice fast. I went to PCC, bought the only book on juice fasting that they had (besides the Master Cleanser which I've already done but don't feel inclined to do right now) and came home to read it. The book, Juice Fasting and Detoxification by Steve Meyerowitz, was pretty good, but I also feel like there were a few conflicting principles; for example the colon cleansing drinks (they are basically a smoothie with flax/chia or psyllium blended with juice and a banana): in one chapter he says they are good to drink during your fast, and then in another it says not to drink blended drinks and that bananas are not to be part of a fast. Other than that, it was an enjoyable read

So I've started my day with 1 Tbsp apple cider vinegar in a small cup of water (something I picked up from the book that sounded interesting), and then warm water with lime and cayenne.

How long am I fasting? No time frame. No limit. I'm just going to listen to my body to tell me when it's done fasting. One day? Three Days? One Week? 10 Days? I don't know. We'll see.

What do I expect to gain from this fast? A clean inner body, mental clarity, and hopefully the removal of some blockages surrounding my creative energy when it comes to art and the finishing of writing my novel. And for the sake of sharing a recipe, here is my Chocolate Greens Smoothie experiment:

Firstly, I made my own hemp milk!

1 cup hemp seeds
4 cups water
1/2 packet Stevia (optional)
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp agave nectar

Blend! Strain through a nut milk bag unless you have a Vita Mix type high-powered blender (which I do NOT). This milk was pretty good, but not nearly as good as the packaged kind, of course. And it was a little more watery than I like, so next time I will probably use only 3 cups of water, and I will probably play around with the sweetener levels also. I originally had one whole packet of Stevia in the recipe, but I found that the flavor was stronger than my liking. This was my first nut milk ever! I've made easy nut milks with nut butter and water, but this was my first real one! I finally got to use a nut milk bag! Wow, does that thing work miracles!

And there is my Chocolate Greens Smoothie:

2 Cups (tightly packed) Kale, de-stemmed (about four leaves)
1 Cup nut milk of choice (I used hemp milk)
1 Cup frozen berries (I used blueberries one day and a blueberry raspberry combo the next)
1 Frozen (or fresh) banana
1 Tbsp Cocoa (or cacao, carob, or a combo)
1/2-1 Tbsp agave nectar (or more according to taste)

Blend! NOTES: I like to blend the kale with the milk first, just so all the blending doesn't melt my frozen fruit, as I like a thick and creamy texture. Use less kale if you are sensitive to the "greens" taste or are new to green smoothies. I only had fresh banana this week, and I imagine it would have been even better with frozen instead. I also imagine a Chocolate Greens smoothie would be much easier with Spirulina, or some other greens powder, since you wouldn't have to use as much, but I DON'T have greens powder, and wanted to do an all fresh, whole foods version. If you use tart berries (like raspberries) you'll need more agave nectar to balance the taste. I'm still playing with this recipe to find perfection, but now that I'm juice fasting, I'll have to set this one aside for awhile.

So here I go, day one of my juice fast!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

My RAWsome day!

Today was what I can only describe as RAWsome! While I was a little short on sleep (I woke up quite a few times; I was strangely attuned to when my doggy needed to go outside; usually I sleep through and let him pee on his pee-pad if it's really so urgent) AND I woke up early suddenly questioning whether or not I had accidentally taken home the store keys last night that I'm supposed to leave in the safe for the opener. Well, I looked at my phone, and thought, I would be getting a call any moment now... and sure enough, the call came. I rushed over to Starbucks and handed over the keys. (I attempted meditating last night, something I've been wanting to do but not quite getting the hang of...but I do feel like maybe I had some kind of heightened intuition today?) Well, my day was unintentionally off to an early start, so I just went with the flow, going to PCC for some daily groceries, going home to shower, doing my sun salutes, and making my big green smoothie.

Later in the day is when the fun began. I took the boyfriend to go get a tattoo in Lake City (his early bday present from me) and while he was doing that, I went to the U-District to visit my favorite spots. First I went to Sidecar, Seattle's all vegan grocery (with a decent little raw foods selection) and picked up a big bottle of raw agave, a Gopal's Raw Alchemy Cherry Brownie, and some organic cocoa powder. Then I went to have lunch at Chaco Canyon, the one vegan restaurant in Seattle that serves some RAW dishes! I started my meal with Raw Orange Spice Flan! Can you believe it? It was so so good and authentic, I can't even imagine how they made it! The consistency was so flan-like. Yum! My entree was a salad served with spicy nut pate stuffed mini peppers and a really cooling, refreshing, tahini dip; it was similar to sour cream but actually so much better! That's the real magic of raw foods; when something doesn't taste like a replica...it tastes better! For a little treat I had a raw hazelnut fudge bar (I almost always get this when I go there)...so fudgey and decadent. After this I went to the Roosevelt Whole Foods and...holy crap...this location is probably the best in Seattle for Raw Foods! There was such a huge selection. I was too blown away to even look through the whole store but what I saw was enough: a huge book section, with plenty of raw titles, at least 7 different brands of coconut butter, different sizes and brands of hemp seeds, an abundant bulk section where I found the greatest treasure of the day: RAW CAROB POWDER! Now, it wasn't organic :( but it was only $1.45/lb! I couldn't believe it! So I stocked up on a huge bag, which didn't even weigh an entire pound, yet will probably last me quite awhile since I also have (non raw) cocoa powder. I love both carob and cocoa for different recipes, different flavors, and for my different moods. Anyhow, I bought my raw carob powder and also some dried persimmons and pineapple to snack on while I waited for Brian's tattoo to be finished. Bliss :)

And for a late dinner I settled down to my salad with avocado and Lemon Herb Dressing from Raw Food Made Easy by Jennifer Cornbleet. (I haven't used this book so much in the past, but I am starting to use it more of late!) The dressing was simple and light-tasting, but quite high in oil-to-lemon ratio. But no complaints about the taste! I made it with fresh basil, as I have some leftover from my pesto zucchini pasta I've been eating the past two nights. YUM! I feel light, and my body is starting to feel so much better. I'm still recovering from my cold, but eating well really helps up the joy factor!

Days like today make me remember how fun and exciting raw foods are. Yes, I am excited by the strangest things. And what do I look forward to? I was inspired by the two blogs I have stumbled upon: Raw Mom-Raw Love and Aleesha's Raw Life to maybe do a juice fast some time in the near future. The idea has been in the back of my head, but reading about others' personal experiences just makes it seem more exciting. I'm not planning on doing anything too long; 3 days minimum, and probably no longer than a week to ten days. I think I could benefit from it spiritually (I felt great when I did the Master Cleanse a couple years ago) and maybe it will even get my creativity flowing better! (I have a novel that is just begging to be finished...just haven't had the right sense of flow quite yet to do it justice!) I just have this sense that I need to be cleansed; cleansed of thoughts, toxins, questions, stress, and setbacks. Therefore, I am drawn to this idea of juice fasting! We'll see!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Updates, improvements, eating more raw!

Shortly after my last blog, I got sick. Not terribly ill or anything, just a runny nose that got worse and worse until I felt congested everywhere, was exhausted, and just plain felt like crap. The common cold, I guess is what it is. The reason this is even worth mentioning (since I know most people catch colds regularly) is because I've only been sick twice in the past year; now and just after my last bout with over-eating a few weeks ago (when I was eating two large slices of raw cheesecake a night following two overstuffed nut pate raw tacos, and similar meals.) Since I've now gotten sick while eating 100% raw and while eating a lot of cooked foods, I can only guess that it is caused by the stress of overeating and having to rapidly detox all the excessive crap out. If it's not that, then I'm not sure what it is. I haven't been too overly stressed about much else besides food. (Well, I'm still questioning what path I should be following to be on purpose with my life, and that can get me a little worked up.) I'm a believer that most sicknesses are caused by stress and internal issues that manifest as physical symptoms, that's why I'm trying to discover what common stress could be causing these two colds so close together after going so long without getting sick. Hmm...

Onto my improvements. I'm still sick but I think I'm on the recovery. Like I said, it wasn't too bad. I did get sent home from work because I was so low on energy, but after sleeping all day yesterday, I did feel a little better. And I've been taking much better care of myself eating-wise since! Every day, I've slowly been improving my diet.

March 2nd was the first day I went without dessert in weeks. I had a Vega Chocolate Flavor Snack Pack Shake mix for breakfast (a new supplement shake I'm trying out. I read about all the health benefits and vitamins and wanted to try it out for myself. The snack packs make it really easy for me to take to work and get a decent meal instead of spending money at Juice Plant or taking a banana to work only to find it browned or squished by someones bag! As of now, I only drink these when I have an early opening shift at work, since that is the only time I can't make a homemade smoothie myself. So far, I like this product! It gives me energy and makes me feel good!) followed by an apple for lunch, Go Raw gingersnaps from Fresh Vitamins (good selection of some raw stuff, you gotta check it out if you live in West Seattle) for snack, and then dinner, which consisted of a salad and half a vegan (cheese-less) pizza from Stellar Pizza in Georgetown. It wasn't the healthiest dinner in the world, but my day's eating was definitely an improvement.

March 3rd my cold symptoms that started the day before worsened. I had a BIG green smoothie (my first green smoothie/juice in at least a week or two) for breakfast:

Green Smoothie of the week:

4-6 leaves kale, de-stemmed
1 cup frozen mango and berry fruit mix
1 cup frozen banana or 1 fresh banana

I place the ingredients in a blender, starting with the kale, and then slowly add filtered water until it just about reaches the 1 cup mark on the blender (you only need enough the liquify the kale a bit, which will then liquify the rest). Blend until smooth!

For lunch I had a grapefruit, followed by Go Raw gingersnaps, raw cashews, goji berries and figs (I was pretty snacky all day) and a dinner consisting of salad w/avocado, cucumber, tomato and carrot (my current regular every day salad) with brown rice pasta, portobello mushroom covered in warm (bottled) marinara, and sprouted grain toast. After dinner, I snacked on more goji berries and figs. I don't really advocate after dinner snacking, but this is much better than full-blown dessert.

March 4th was when I knew I was sick for sure. I had a big green smoothie, a nice long nap, a pear, dried figs, lots of water all day, and a dinner consisting of my yummy veggie salad topped with Raw Ranch Dressing, spriralized zucchini pasta topped with warm (bottled) marinara, and two slices sprouted wheat toast.

The dressing was really easy and yummy, so I'm going to share it with you! I think it would have been tastier with fresh herbs but I only had dried:

Raw Ranch Dressing from Raw Food Made Easy by Jennifer Cornbleet

1 cup soaked (for 2 hrs) raw cashews
3/4 cup water
2 tbsp fresh lemon juice
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp onion powder
1/4 tsp + 1/8 tsp salt
1 tbsp fresh basil (1 tsp dried)
1 tbsp fresh dill (1 tsp dried)

Blend cashews, water, lemon juice, garlic powder, onion powder, and salt in a blender until smooth and creamy. Add the basil and dill and pulse briefly until mixed.


Zucchini pasta is one of my favorite raw dishes, and it's also one of the easiest. All you need is a spiralizer; and if you don't have one of those, just slice long ribbons of zucchini with a vegetable peeler to make "fettuccine" noodles that taste just as good. After I spiralize my zucchini, I like to let the noodles soften a bit so they become more "noodly." I place them in a strainer and cover them with a light layer of sea salt, mix well, and then set aside while I make the sauce. (I thought I remember reading this technique somewhere so one day I just decided to try it, but I haven't been able to find the reference...but it really does seem to work!) After I make the sauce, I mix a tablespoon or so into my noodles to help them soften even more. When you do this, you will notice a bit of liquid draining out of the strainer. It is from the zucchini softening and releasing water. Have you ever noticed how soggy your plate gets when you eat zucchini pasta? Ok, maybe it's just me, but either way, this technique has improved my "noodles" and the physical presentation greatly! They look better and taste way better! Anyhow, after I get the right texture, I put the noodles on the plate and cover with my sauce of choice!


I had a lot of fun making this meal. It was my first high-raw dinner that I have had in weeks and it felt great. I ended my night with some unnecessary snacking on spoonfuls of peanut butter, but still, a great improvement in my diet.


Now today I'm feeling a little better. I actually lost a few pounds over night. Maybe from drinking so much water? Eating better and losing waste matter? For breakfast I made my boyfriend's favorite smoothie, which is adapted from the Acai Smoothie recipe in Eat Drink and be Vegan by Dreena Burton:

1 1/2 cups Living Harvest chocolate flavored hempmilk
1/2 cup frozen bananas or one fresh banana
1/2 cup frozen blueberries
1 packet Sambazon Acai frozen pulp

Blend! Serves two. This isn't exactly a raw smoothie but I do feel pretty good drinking it. And I LOVE hempmilk! It is my favorite packaged non-dairy milk ever. I'll have to learn how to make my own raw hemp milk! Yum! And I gotta find some raw acai. Most brands are flash pasteurized.

Anyhow, for lunch I had a grapefruit, during my breaks at work I had goji berries and then a Raw Pure Bar (brownie flavor), and then for dinner I had my regular veggie salad with avocado and raw ranch (this time tossed with the salad instead of drizzled over the top; this made the flavor come out better)


And raw zucchini pasta topped with easy raw pesto...

Easy Raw Pesto (adapted from Raw Food Life Force Energy by Natalia Rose)

1 cup (packed) basil
1 tbsp olive oil
1 clove garlic
pinch of salt or to taste

Pulse in food processor until well chopped and combined. Serves 1 (or two if you don't love basil as much as me!)


This was my first ALL RAW DINNER in so long! It was amazing! In fact, besides my non-raw ingredients in this morning's smoothie, this was nearly an all raw day! It feels good to be eating lightly again.


Tomorrow, I'll probably eat a baked sweet potato for dinner with my raw salad, since we bought a big bag and need to eat through them. Not raw, but still delicious and healthy as far as I'm concerned! So here's to eating better, feeling better, regaining my perfect weight, and taking control of my life! Hooray!

Monday, March 2, 2009

On and on my journey goes...

So like every journey, there are mistakes, roadblocks, and lessons learned.

A few weeks ago, I could have said that my raw food journey and my Addiction Free Diet Experiment were going really, really well. I was happy with my body and my eating choices. I still had my temptations and food-addictions, but I was eating balanced and I felt pretty great. I had lost 10 lbs since starting my journey, and had developed the best physical body I had had in many years. The desire to maintain my perfect weight was fueled by my Christmas/Valentines Day Present from my boyfriend: a pinup style photo shoot by photographer Shena Lee. I was so proud as the day for the shoot (Feb. 7th) approached and I was still at my perfect weight, and looking and feeling amazing. The photo shoot went awesome; it was really fun and a great testament to my new eating lifestyle and would make for GREAT "before and after" pictures...if I HAD good "before" pictures that could show the dramatic changes in my physique. (Check out the photo shoot on my myspace page if you are interested in seeing Shena Lee's amazing work; hair and Makeup by Fushia Foxx; just beware, these are classic PINUP photos...not for the feint of heart!)

But after the photo shoot, I felt like I deserved a "reward"...in other words, a binge-fest! So my boyfriend and I went to this yummy Pho restaurant on Capitol Hill that serves some delicious vegan spring rolls, Pho, and fresh young coconut juice served straight out of the coconut! I ate way beyond full but I felt all right about it, reminding myself I had "worked so hard." Then later that night, I did some unnecessary snacking when I was STILL full, leading to an upset stomach and an overwhelming feeling of disappointment. The days that followed were nothing to be proud of either, and the following weekend started a new trend for the worst.

It was Valentines Day. The boyfriend and I had plans to be "fat" and eat pizza and ice cream instead of the traditional fancy dinner. Well, the place I wanted pizza from didn't have vegan pizza as advertised, and since our dining options were limited considering we were too late to beat the VDay dinner rush, we opted for this Mexican Restaurant by our house, Viva Mexico. Their vegan options are decent, but the food is far from life-force generating. But I ate my whole meal, nonetheless. When we went home, a HUGE container of vegan chocolate ice cream awaited. And I ate more than my fair share.

And so continued the next day. More leftover ice cream. More overeating.

So continued the week. Cookies. Sweets. Overeating. Not enough raw food. Snacking.

I did enjoy making delicious vegan comfort food creations with my friend Robin, which I posted on my Tessonja's Kitchen Blog, but I admit, I felt incredibly dense after (over)eating those meals. I'm sure if I had stuck with appropriate servings it would have been fine but apparently, I have yet to learn how to commit to non binging.

And I also had an awesome time with my friend Brandi, who was visiting over this past weekend from Colorado for her birthday. We ate out a lot at two of my favorite vegan restaurants, Squid and Ink and Bamboo Gardens. Twice I ate a HUGE piece of cake from Squid (one chocolate; one carrot cake) which left me DYING and in a blissful food coma. The food this weekend was delicious and amazing tasting...but I have to admit, I feel a big change in my overall health and body since last month when I was eating more raw foods and abstaining from dessert. I have gained 5 of my 10 lbs I had lost. I feel dense. I want raw foods again!

My addiction to dessert is serious. I keep getting flashbacks to the way I behaved with alcohol. Like when my boyfriend tries to help me and tell me not to give into my temptations; I get MAD! Just like I did when I used to drink. There was no getting through to me once I had my mind set on drinking more. Anyone who got in my way was my enemy. Anyone who got wasted with me was my best friend. It didn't matter who they were.

I love sweets but over consumption of them makes me feel like crap. Maybe not right away (I'm usually "high" on sugar at first) but the effects DO come, sooner or later. And I do not like being controlled by an addiction of any kind. And if I can overcome alcohol, I can overcome my addiction to food and my tendency toward binging.

I DO want the best health for myself. I DO want to be free from binging and obsessive dessert-eating. And I KNOW I can do it, because I already have. It's just about getting back on track; getting back on my journey.

It's fun to bond with others over food but I also need to know when to stick to my own ideals. I don't have a single friend who is as interested in a high-raw foods diet as I am, so it can be a little difficult when I want to have a food party or go out to eat somewhere. But you know what? I'm going to eat the way I feel is best for me. I need to get over my food addictions. And my friends will support me. If that means abstaining from dessert and vegan comfort food for awhile, I (and my friends) can handle it. There are tons of raw/healthy options that raw food lovers, vegans, non-vegans, and those unfamiliar with raw foods can all enjoy. Remember that Raw White Chocolate Strawberry Cheesecake? Who wouldn't love that? I can still have food parties. I can still go out. I just have to make healthier choices and choose healthier meals. The occasional "fun" day is fine. But I won't get carried away and make a habit of eating dense, heavy, processed foods.

It's time for me to re-read my principles for my Addiction Free Diet. It time to re-read my Top Diet Tips. It's time to practice what I preach. It's time to stand up for what I believe in. Cut out dessert! I don't need it! Cut down on junk food, comfort food, and processed food! Quit mindlessly snacking! I CAN do this, I know it! I WILL do this. I will reclaim the body and health I know I deserve!

For inspiration, I have purchased 3 EBooks that I've been salivating over the thought of having: "The Best of The Raw Freedom Community" and "The Best of The Sunny Raw Kitchen" both by Carmella of the amazing Sunny Raw Kitchen Blog, and Raw Goddess Heathy's "Just Desserts." Now, I know I intend on abstaining from desserts for awhile, but I love raw desserts and know I can enjoy them (NOT after dinner, obsessively) on occasion and in controlled amounts once I am eating balanced again.

Wish me luck.