My confession to the Vegan Police

I've committed a crime against veganism and I feel like I should confess for my sins. As I am not currently keeping a paper journal (mine got filled up and I have yet to buy a new one) I'll just have to blog about it.

I ate cheese. Yep. I said it. I've been a pretty good (not perfect) vegan for almost two years, save for my short-lived experimentations with raw goat cheese last winter when I was eating mostly raw foods, and I have absolutely no excuse to be eating cheese now. It's easy to live without it. Farm and Slaughterhouse practices disgust me. There are plenty of delicious soy-based immitations.

So I am just pleading guilty and not giving any excuses. There is no such thing as "my body craves it" or "I need calcium and protien from dairy." That is all bullshit. This cheese thing just happend. But it was not an accident. Brian bought this amazing sounding goat cheese brie from the West Seattle Farmers Market and I just wanted some, simple as that. As much as I am disgusted by meat, eggs, milk, and other animal products, I've always had a difficult time being comletely appalled by cheese. So when Brian bought that cheese, it was a little surpising that I honeslty WANTED some! I reasoned with myself for awhile, but it just felt OK to eat it in the end. Not great, not a perfect idea, not a neccessity. Just OK. I could eat it if I wanted, and see how it made me feel.

To be honest, I really liked it. Of course I did. But what does this mean? Am I not vegan anymore? I'm not sure. I do know that I did enjoy the cheese and am not appalled by the idea of eating it occasionally. I also know that I DO NOT want to eat meat, drink milk, eat eggs, or consume any food with animal products or byproducts (whey, caesin, etc.) or use non-animal-friendly products...just cheese; fancy, high-quality, preferrably organic straight-up cheese.

Then again, this could very well be another hit-it-and-quit-it affair, like the raw goat cheese was and I could be sick of it very soon. Likely? We'll see.

Otherwise, I feel like I've been eating very well and exercising a decent amount. I've gone back to many of Natalia Rose's principles from her books, eating mostly raw fruits and vegetables, along with high quality grains (brown rice, quinoa, whole grain pasta) and cooked vegetables. I've minimized my gluten intake drastically as well as my soy-product consumption (my soy is usually in the form of occasional tofu or condiments like vegan ranch dressing, etc.) I've been avoiding processed foods which means I'm not eating as many mock-meats or mock-cheeses as I used to. I WILL still eat at my FAVORITE restaurants though, with no limitations (Squid and Ink and Bamboo Gardens!!!). I eat fruit (or Vega) for breakfast, veggies with vegan ranch (or salad) for lunch, and a big salad with a whole grain pasta, brown rice, quinoa, baked sweet potato, etc, for dinner.

I've also been doing yoga (I went to Hot Yoga with my mom twice and it was AWESOME!) and walking a lot. I feel pretty damn good!

Anyhow, there's my confession. I don't feel bad about it. Just a little confused.

I want to be healthy again...I AM healthy NOW!

So yeah, my conflicting pull between eating super cheap and eating super healthy has been tough. Last week I got sick of salads and ate cereal for breakfast and a peanut butter jelly sandwiches for lunch...it totally reminded me that I'm not missing out on ANYTHING by eating fresh and healthy! And now for the past few days I've been sick...not TOO sick, just congested and tired. I'm sure my recent diet has had quite a bit to do with that! Also, I quit drinking Vega a few weeks ago, which I feel was helping me consume a good amount of vitamins, protein, etc. And my skin, hair, and nails looked perfect while I was drinking it daily! So I gave in and bought a 2 week supply (using half-servings) and am going to eat salads again (bored or not.) I am also curious to try eating Gluten-Free for a week and see if that improves my overall diet, health, and tummy (I've been bloated.) I haven't read up on the benefits of eating a gluten-free diet too much, but I stumbled upon the symptoms of gluten intolerance and figure it could probably benefit me, intolerant or not, to limit gluten intake. In fact, I think any diet could benefit from the limitations of any of the common allergens (soy, peanuts, gluten.) I'm not quite ready to give of soy (in the form of tofu) or peanut butter (I LOVE peanut butter), but I figure I'll start with gluten. There's just something about a gluten-free diet that has been calling to me...maybe it's the bloating that keeps happening after I eat cereal and peanut butter sandwiches! That could also be due to poor food combining, as well. Anyhow, my diet needs to go back to basics, include more raw, and less sweets. On a good note, I haven't been binging quite as much lately! I've been snacking on chips and had two servings of ice cream last night, but nothing too detrimental; no over-stressed self-loathing! And my weight obsession has cooled a bit. I think I'm going to boycott the scale for awhile, just to be safe!

Hmmm...

So my juice fast only lasted half a day. For one, I realized how expensive it was going to get, which started getting me down since I am on a budget. For another, the green juice I took to work yesterday to get me through just didn't taste good (I diluted it with water to make it last longer, and that wasn't a good idea) and was starting to make me nauseated. My energy started to drain and I wasn't feeling well. But then I remembered I still had a Vega snack pack with me. So I mixed that up quickly and immediately felt better and full of energy. I haven't been taking Vega regularly, since it is so expensive and I wanted to drink green smoothies for breakfast when I can, but I'm thinking I might try to incorporate Vega into my daily routine. It's just so full of vitamins and minerals and protein; so much good stuff and it makes me feel good which is important. I can still have green smoothies every day; I'll just have them for lunch or mix Vega into my smoothie!
In other news, I think I might take a break from recording everything I eat and focusing on it so much. I'm sick of being on this roller coaster ping-ponging between a high-raw diet and a eat-whatever-I-want vegan diet. I need balance but it just hasn't been happening. I have this tendency to strive for all-or-nothing; it's like I feel like I need to be 100% Raw if I'm going to eat raw at all or I need to eat cooked meals every night if I'm going to eat them at all. I need to relax, seriously! Take the pressure off myself all ready! Then again, maybe I'm not pushing myself hard enough. Maybe I'm giving myself too much freedom. Maybe I really need to banish desserts. Maybe I need to banish cooked food. I really don't know. I have so many questions and it seems like this pattern keeps happening over and over again. I want to be satisfied with my diet once and for all! I want to maintain my perfect weight for more than 2 weeks at a time! To be honest, I know the problem isn't ALL about what I eat and how much...it's me. I'm the one who chooses to binge. I'm the one who chooses the chocolate cake. I definitely have a lot of internal work to do and I don't have the answers I desire and I don't know where to start (even though I've done it before lol). But analyzing, asking, stressing, and wondering has never done me any good; the only thing that has is quieting my mind, and letting go. So I might take a little break from focusing on food and my weight. I need to learn to do things in the now. I need to learn to make decisions based on how I feel now; not because in my food journal I ate a certain something and still lost weight, or because a book tells me I can or should eat a certain way. I mean, even blogging about it right now is making me focus on it!

But guess what? I'll let it go. I don't know all the answers; but then again, deep down, I do. If my mind will be quiet enough, I will hear them.

Relax. Live. Eat. Nourish.