Well, it sure has been a busy month and a half since I last wrote. I had tons of fun making raw food during the first half of August. Then my diet got a little sloppy and I felt a slight inclination toward a cleanse. I wasn't really motivated to do anything too drastic, but I wanted something...something to test and strengthen my "discipline muscle." I picked up a book on a whim called "The Optimum Wellness Cleanse" by Kathy Freston. The principle behind it is that for 21 days you abstain from the "Big 5"; all animal products, alcohol, caffeine, sugar (except for stevia and agave nectar), and gluten. While this cleanse was obviously targeted at people who eat a heavy, meat-and-dairy laden diet, I was fascinated about trying to go completely sugar and gluten free for that length of time. I knew this cleanse wouldn't actually be very cleansing for me, considering it allowed unlimited amounts of foods I know to be less-than-life-force-generating, such as soy products, mock meats, mock-cheeses, nuts, etc, but I thought the sugar and gluten restriction would be enough to practice self-control with. I also knew it could help prepare me for a stricter cleanse afterward, if I decided I wanted to increase my level of cleansing.
The Optimum Wellness Cleanse was exactly what I expected; not very cleansing for someone already living a mostly vegan, alcohol-free, and caffeine-free lifestyle but definitely challenging in terms of living completely gluten and sugar free. I enjoyed the lack of sugar obsession that resulted from abstaining. Temptation was there at first, but then melted away. I just didn't crave it. I was, however, allowed to eat raw sweets since stevia and agave were considered cleanse-approved, so I wasn't completely lacking dessert. I did encounter a slight struggle overcoming the urge to eat my beloved dark chocolate which was NOT cleanse-approved, due to its sugar and caffeine content.
Once my 21 days were up, I felt good knowing I could live without sugar and gluten. But I did not feel great. I did not feel cleansed. Ever since my failed attempt at doing Natalia Rose's "Detox for Women" program, I've wanted to do it again. Well, actually, I wanted to want to do it again. I wanted to feel the motivation to do it. But over the past few months, I just haven't had the urge to give up my vices and take control of my finances enough to do it. But somewhere toward the end of the "Optimum Wellness Cleanse," I looked down at my body and realized it looked so unnatural. I just knew I was meant to be thin, lean, and toned with smooth, firm skin. Yes, I have hips and a butt, but I am not meant to have the "extra baggage" around them. So I was suddenly drawn to the "Detox for Women" program again, and decided I wanted to commit to it as much as possible for the entire month. I told myself I would just lean into it (a term I learned from "Optimum" which I like and can now understand better with the "Detox" cleanse) and could "cheat" if I really wanted to.
So I started Detox for Women. I re-read the book, bought plenty of produce for juicing, made a few glasses of the green juice all at once and froze them in individual cups to make my mornings easy (just grab, go to work, let defrost, and drink!), bought plenty of salad greens and veggies, and started eating according to the principles of the program. A few days in, I decided I wanted to eat raw goat cheese (and the also acceptable organic pasteurized goat cheese, sheep cheese, and raw cow cheese) but this time, closely monitoring how I reacted and felt; the last thing I wanted was to trigger a binge. The last time I chose to eat the raw goat cheese, I instantly wanted to eat less-cleansing cheeses, and then quickly moved on to eating all sorts of unhealthy, non-vegan and non-cleansing foods completely. But being very picky about my quality cheeses helped. Since I have always loved cheese, vegan and non-vegan cheeses alike, it really makes me feel satisfied when I allow myself to eat it in some form. And since soy products and processed foods are restricted on this program, I am going with the goat cheese. Another allowance that I love about this program, is the 70% cacao dark chocolate I can have for dessert. I LOVE dark chocolate. It's just so luscious and light. I'm also allowed a glass of wine. I'm not a drinker--in fact, I haven't drank in over two years, but something about this time in my life made me feel like a glass of wine with some dark chocolate was appropriate; this feeling definitely had a lot to do with the fact that my boyfriend is on tour for over a week right now, and I really want to have "woman-time" while he's away, and treat myself really loving and act feminine. I have had a few of these wonderful, peaceful "wine-and-chocolate" evenings and feel no feelings of addiction or binging. I don't even get anything more than a slight, warm, buzz. Sigh. What a perfect serenity I feel from being so in control of my body!
I'm on day six of this program and I already feel amazing. I've been drinking my juice every morning, eating two salads a day, and properly combining all my meals. I can already tell I've lost weight, even though I am still dedicated to avoiding the scale. I don't care how skinny I get; no good can come from becoming weight-obsessed again. I feel so beautiful and that is all that matters. I look forward to the remainder of this program and intend to incorporate many of these principles in my diet and lifestyle for good.
But it doesn't stop there; I have more news. For the past few months, if not longer, I have had this strong urge to quit birth control. At the very least, I have wanted to quit using it continuously. I have been on the pill since I was 18, which means I have been consuming synthetic hormones for 7 years straight. I have used it semi-continuously (which gives you 4 periods a year instead of one each month) for at least 4 or 5 years, and completely continuously (absolutely no periods) for about 2 of those years. I grew up with a lot of shame about my feminine body. I started puberty before any of my friends and was not ready or prepared for boobs and periods when they came. I was so embarrassed when my mom forced me to wear a bra when I was nine. And I was so disgusted when I got my period when I was 14. I was always really uncomfortable about having a period, so once I learned I could quit having one by manipulating my usage of "the pill" I was all for it. I didn't care what the risks were; I didn't even ask. I just asked if it was possible to end my period and gobbled up those pills every day.
But then I started learning about health and nutrition; about hormones and estrogen. And with "Detox for Women" I learned a little bit more about how birth control pills (and any medication or drugs) can interfere with cleansing and weight loss. So I've had this nagging feeling that I should quit birth control, but didn't know what else to do. My boyfriend and I have never had to use condoms in the six years we've been together and we are very determined to avoid pregnancy. But I had been using and abusing my body for our sexual convenience for too many years and just decided I was done. I wanted to be a natural, real woman for once. There's just been this sudden change in me, where I want to embrace my femininity, respect my body, and treat my self well. I want to have the most perfect and pure female body that I can have, inside and out. And that means, not only do I need to eat a pure, cleansing diet and quit eating shit-food, but I also need to quit pumping my body with fake hormones that could be really detrimental to my well-being. I've heard what an over-load of hormones can do. I just want to experiment with going off "the pill" and see what it feels like; I have never had that experience as an adult woman! For all I know, I might feel completely different...in a good way! I am prepared that I could get sick and not feel so great while my body detoxes from the pills. But it will be worth it in the long run.
Anyhow, part one of the story: get off the pill. Part two? Well, I knew I needed some form of natural birth control, if there was a such thing. So I did an internet search and ended up: HERE. I was so fascinated by what I learned from this website about the "Fertility Awareness Method", so I bought the book that explains even more about it. Basically, "FAM" brings you completely in touch with your feminine body, helps you gain a deep understanding about your menstrual cycle, and ultimately teaches you to know when your fertile and infertile days are. This seems like it is exactly what I'm looking for: a way to embrace and understand my feminine body, live naturally and hormone-free while still avoiding pregnancy without a constant use of condoms! If done correctly and consistently, "FAM" is supposedly as effective as "the pill." Awesome. I can't wait to start reading this book. I have read so many positive reviews about it and one of my co-workers has read it and loves it also.
Yesterday I took my last birth control pill. If all goes well, I should be getting my first period (in at least two years) soon...hopefully this week, but who knows how long it will take for my cycle to become re-established. And for the first time EVER, I am looking forward to it! A period has brought me nothing but shame and disgust before; now I recognize it as a privilege and a miracle of the female body. Instead of mutilating and manipulating my body, I am going to learn how to work with nature and embrace who and what I really am on the physical level.
I can tell I am on a new path in this body of mine and I am greatly looking forward to it!
Showing posts with label Detoxing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Detoxing. Show all posts
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
A little bit-o-detoxing
So I embarked upon my detox according to Natalia Rose's "Detox for Women" book for an entire week. And it has been wonderful! I admit though, I'm having trouble cutting out all sugars and pastries; Day one, I ate a wafer-cookie at about 2 in the morning after a long night out at my boyfriend's band's show. Day two I ate some ice cream. Days 3 and 4, I ate a pastries. I had ONE day where I ate well without a single sugar-sweet. But even with these setbacks, I had lost 4 lbs by this point!
Unfortunately, I realized I was spending quite a lot of money on groceries. After a lot of stress and disappointment, I decided to do a "budget detox" version (at least until I start my new job at Trader Joes where I will get to use my discount on produce!) Basically, instead of juicing for my first meal (which can get pricey)I eat a piece of low-sugar fruit like a green apple, grapefruit, or berries, usually around noon. Instead of a salad for my mid-day meal (since I eat a salad for dinner as well), I eat a simple mono-meal of raw veggies like carrots, usually around 2-4pm. And for dinner, I eat pretty much the same as the traditional detox from DFW; a BIG raw salad and whatever cooked veggies I want like a baked beet, baked sweet potato, sauteed veggies, etc.
Last night I hit another snag; while I ate my apple at noon, and an avocado at 3pm, by the time I got home from band practice, I was exhausted and overheated, and a little moody. My boyfriend offered to buy vegan taco bell burritos for dinner, which I accepted, and then chased them with an entire pint of ice cream. Not good this morning when I woke up! I was bloated and had gained back some lbs! I think it was mostly waste-weight, though, as I was feeling dense and constipated :(
Today, I followed my morning-afternoon detox routine, but then went a little non-detox for dinner; my boyfriend took us out for pasta. I got cheese shells...REAL cheese shells, not even vegan ones...and then we picked up some ice cream on the way home to eat later. I don't feel gross or over-full, but I really WANT to be dedicated to this detox. I want to get over these food cravings for greasy, heavy foods. I want more raw foods! I want sweets gone! Actually, I WANT to WANT them gone! This would be A LOT easier if I had a larger budget because I could replace these heavy foods with raw versions; zucchini pasta with raw marinara, raw ice cream. Then again, maybe I'm craving the interaction with my boyfriend? The going-on-a-date-feeling? Or maybe it's just that I'm subconsciously fighting the restrictions of my detox?
Well, you know what? The only thing that will get rid of these cravings, is a cleaner body. I don't crave this crap when my body is being filled with mostly raw foods and no sugar-sweets. So I need to make a commitment; a REAL commitment, not just some half-assed attempt. I need to commit to say NO to my cravings. I need to start anew, tell my friends, family, and boyfriend that I need support, quit going out to eat, quit eating sweets, and do this detox for the rest of the month! And as for sweets, I need to cut them all out, raw or not, so my body can re-adjust to living without them and crave them less. Then I'll be more in control when I DO choose sweets. And after that, I should start choosing high-quality sweets, preferably raw!
So am I ready to make that commitment? I think so. Geez, I am so fickle! Is it just me, or is everyone else crazy too???!!!
Unfortunately, I realized I was spending quite a lot of money on groceries. After a lot of stress and disappointment, I decided to do a "budget detox" version (at least until I start my new job at Trader Joes where I will get to use my discount on produce!) Basically, instead of juicing for my first meal (which can get pricey)I eat a piece of low-sugar fruit like a green apple, grapefruit, or berries, usually around noon. Instead of a salad for my mid-day meal (since I eat a salad for dinner as well), I eat a simple mono-meal of raw veggies like carrots, usually around 2-4pm. And for dinner, I eat pretty much the same as the traditional detox from DFW; a BIG raw salad and whatever cooked veggies I want like a baked beet, baked sweet potato, sauteed veggies, etc.
Last night I hit another snag; while I ate my apple at noon, and an avocado at 3pm, by the time I got home from band practice, I was exhausted and overheated, and a little moody. My boyfriend offered to buy vegan taco bell burritos for dinner, which I accepted, and then chased them with an entire pint of ice cream. Not good this morning when I woke up! I was bloated and had gained back some lbs! I think it was mostly waste-weight, though, as I was feeling dense and constipated :(
Today, I followed my morning-afternoon detox routine, but then went a little non-detox for dinner; my boyfriend took us out for pasta. I got cheese shells...REAL cheese shells, not even vegan ones...and then we picked up some ice cream on the way home to eat later. I don't feel gross or over-full, but I really WANT to be dedicated to this detox. I want to get over these food cravings for greasy, heavy foods. I want more raw foods! I want sweets gone! Actually, I WANT to WANT them gone! This would be A LOT easier if I had a larger budget because I could replace these heavy foods with raw versions; zucchini pasta with raw marinara, raw ice cream. Then again, maybe I'm craving the interaction with my boyfriend? The going-on-a-date-feeling? Or maybe it's just that I'm subconsciously fighting the restrictions of my detox?
Well, you know what? The only thing that will get rid of these cravings, is a cleaner body. I don't crave this crap when my body is being filled with mostly raw foods and no sugar-sweets. So I need to make a commitment; a REAL commitment, not just some half-assed attempt. I need to commit to say NO to my cravings. I need to start anew, tell my friends, family, and boyfriend that I need support, quit going out to eat, quit eating sweets, and do this detox for the rest of the month! And as for sweets, I need to cut them all out, raw or not, so my body can re-adjust to living without them and crave them less. Then I'll be more in control when I DO choose sweets. And after that, I should start choosing high-quality sweets, preferably raw!
So am I ready to make that commitment? I think so. Geez, I am so fickle! Is it just me, or is everyone else crazy too???!!!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Day Six, Skinny Bitch
I'm on Day 6 and I'm feeling awesome. Things really started to turn around for me after Day 3. I had really bad dessert cravings after dinner on Day 3. I just kept thinking about dates, goji berries, and Raw-zins (raw version of raisin-ettes) but I knew I was full and satisfied and realized it was just my addiction talking. On Day 4, I felt thinner and no longer bloated. Toward the afternoon I realized I was in an awesome mood and had great energy. I was feeling positive about life and started using affirmations again like I used to. I affirmed having the perfect body, earning an abundant income. I also re-read Skinny Bitch, the book that got me to fall in love with being vegan, but more on that later. And my days just keep getting better and better. I'm loosing weight again. I'm feeling in control. Here's a summary of the past couple days:
Day 4: 116.5 lbs
-Big glass of mango, banana, and kale smoothie (9:10am). -2 carrots (4pm) -Salad w/mixed greens, kale, avocado, cucumber, tomato, garlic, onion, balsamic vinegar, olive oil, and herbs/spices (YUM!) served with blanched asparagus and leftover brown rice
Day 5: 115 lbs
-Pear (11:45am). -2 carrots (3:45pm). -Salad w/mixed greens, kale, olives, garlic, red onion, cucumber, tomato, vinegar, and seasonings (not as good with these olives; Olives of Love from PCC are THE BEST! also, kale tastes better to me with avocado, not so much with olives) served with blanched broccoli and one cup whole wheat noodles tossed with garlic + seasonings, tomato, and olives.
-Groceries purchased: Romaine lettuce @QFC, avocado, 2 heads broccoli, 2 small containers fresh olives, 2 roma tomatoes, garlic, cucumber. $19
Day 6 (today): 114.5 lbs
-felt hungry upon waking so I had lemon cayenne water (9:30am). -Still hungry; grapefruit (10am) -Later I will probably have a banana, then 2 carrots at work on break, and then when I get home I will have leftover pasta, more broccoli, and an olive/veggie salad with romaine
So it seems to me that it only takes 5 days to turn my eating habits around. While I wouldn't exactly say that I'm completely free from food addictions and ready to bring back dessert and sweets, I do feel that I am in control. I do feel that I am close to being able to eat whatever I desire WITHOUT overeating or "needing" to eat certain vices over and over again. I'm close to freedom.
And now that my mind is quiet and no longer badgering me with questions, I have discovered many answers that I was seeking. To state a few of these answers: I AM capable of making proper food choices, I AM able to lose weight without eating 100% raw, I CAN eat balanced if I do eat 100% raw, I DON'T NEED to cut out grains, unless I choose to in the future. While I still don't know where exactly this experiment will lead or what my daily eating will look like 2 weeks or 2 months from now, I know this feels good NOW. This is helping me NOW. I can do this NOW. I have freedom from addictions NOW.
-Experiment Experience Summary: Now that I'm over the first 3 days of the detox, I'm feeling wonderful. I am full of life and positive energy. I am positive that I can make the best choices about my body, my diet, and my life. All good things are coming to me!
-Groceries Spent this week (Day 1 - Day 7): appx. $47 (already had whole wheat pasta at home)
Now on to Skinny Bitch (by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin). This is the book I found when I was under terrible stress about my diet and in great need for guidance (I wrote about that it in one of my first blogs.) This book was entertaining, straightforward, and easy for me to understand with their hilarious "attitude" and ways of explaining things. It was a great introduction to facts about nutrition, getting healthy in order to get skinny, eating whole grains and whole, "healthier" forms of sugar, reading labels on all foods in order to determine their quality, and how a vegan diet can promote health and weight loss. It was also an eye-opening look into the world of cruelty to animals used for the food and dairy industries.
I was a little nervous to become vegan, but this book showed me so many vegan foods that were fun and similar to non-vegan foods like mock meats and soy cheese. I bought a few vegan cookbooks and in no time, being vegan was second nature.
But after a while, I realized my weight wasn't budging. I was eating a surplus of delicious, heavy, hearty, AMAZING tasting foods and not GAINING any weight, but I really wanted to LOSE weight. I wanted to be at my perfect weight. I won't go into further detail because I already did so in my earlier blogs, but basically, my desire for pure food brought me to reading Natalia Rose's books and eating raw again. After this, I felt a little mislead by Skinny Bitch. Even though it did head me down the right path and brought me to a better, healthier diet than the one I had before, I just wasn't at my best.
Well, after eating my delicious-yet-overeaten meal at Squid and Ink and being overwhelmed with questions and contemplations, I had the sudden urge to read Skinny Bitch again. The first thing that happened upon this (third) re-read is that I fell in love with being vegan all over again. I remembered all the reasons why I went vegan in the first place. Second, I started noticing things that I hadn't noticed the first two times I read it.
Initially upon reading the book the first time, I was filled with excitement, discovering all the foods and desserts I could make vegan: French toast, veggie burgers, pastas, mac n cheese, brownies, cookies, cupcakes. My focus was baking and creating amazing comfort food meals. I completely overlooked the fact that, while these meals are semi healthy compared to S.A.D food, they should never be eaten in excess and need to be balanced with fresh fruits, vegetables, and greens, EVERY DAY.
And reading it this last time, I realize that they actually say that! They warn against overeating, tell you to eat ONLY UNTIL SATISFIED, eat fruit for breakfast and raw veggies/salad for lunch for optimal results, don't binge, balance your meals, eat appropriate servings. It's all there, I just chose to ignore it.
My main complaint is that they didn't repeat these warnings enough or in a way that can get through thick, addictive skulls like mine. I wonder how many other girls read the book and ended up like me; vegan but overeating and obsessed with desserts. (For all I know it's just me, haha.) Another thing is that the menu plans at the end of the book don't cater to the "fruit for breakfast, salad for lunch" rule. They do state that it is optimal to do so but I do wish they would have included a menu of an ideal eating day for those who have finally finished transitioning from S.A.D. to vegan and want to eat even better. But I also understand that they were targeting a different audience, a beginner audience. People exactly like who I used to be, thinking I "could never go vegan because I would miss cheese and pasta." But unless you re-read it and pay close attention to the ways in which they encourage you to improve your diet, it's hard to move past the transition stage of being vegan. In fact, I knew in the back of my mind that I could be eating lighter and healthier (I knew those molasses cookies were full of refined sugar and flour) I just plain didn't want to. I loved my comfort food and I often chose eating in abundance over losing weight.
So basically, I love this book again because I now fully understand the motive behind Skinny Bitch and how to look at it from different stages. First, as a newbie to the wide, exciting world of vegan food. Second, reading it again to keep myself on track (which didn't last long). And third, reading it from a viewpoint of trying to make the best food choices for myself, overcoming overeating, and remembering the beauty and benefits of a vegan diet.
I recommend this book to anyone looking to improve their diet, especially if you are coming from a hearty diet full of refined flour, refined sugar, meat, and dairy. It makes transitioning to a vegan diet easy and fun. There are so many meals you can make vegan. I've found that almost ANY meal can be veganized. But for those of you who want to lose weight: make sure you keep in mind the suggestions to eat ONLY fresh fruit/fresh juice for breakfast, raw veggies/salad for lunch, and a balanced dinner WHEN YOU ARE READY. This would be a good time to read Raw Food Life Force Energy by Natalia Rose. But another warning: if you do go from being a happy, satisfied vegan to reading RFLFE, don't feel like you need to or should change your diet to include fish or raw goat cheese. There's a reason you went vegan. Unless you are unsatisfied, just stick with it. I'm glad I tried raw goat cheese because I got to make a decision for myself. And while I do believe that it digests beautifully and much easier than nut cheeses and soy cheese, I think I'm ready to say I won't be eating it again. I like not eating dairy. I don't need it.
Happy Saturday everyone (I have to work tonight but then I'll be off to enjoy my night)!!!
Day 4: 116.5 lbs
-Big glass of mango, banana, and kale smoothie (9:10am). -2 carrots (4pm) -Salad w/mixed greens, kale, avocado, cucumber, tomato, garlic, onion, balsamic vinegar, olive oil, and herbs/spices (YUM!) served with blanched asparagus and leftover brown rice
Day 5: 115 lbs
-Pear (11:45am). -2 carrots (3:45pm). -Salad w/mixed greens, kale, olives, garlic, red onion, cucumber, tomato, vinegar, and seasonings (not as good with these olives; Olives of Love from PCC are THE BEST! also, kale tastes better to me with avocado, not so much with olives) served with blanched broccoli and one cup whole wheat noodles tossed with garlic + seasonings, tomato, and olives.
-Groceries purchased: Romaine lettuce @QFC, avocado, 2 heads broccoli, 2 small containers fresh olives, 2 roma tomatoes, garlic, cucumber. $19
Day 6 (today): 114.5 lbs
-felt hungry upon waking so I had lemon cayenne water (9:30am). -Still hungry; grapefruit (10am) -Later I will probably have a banana, then 2 carrots at work on break, and then when I get home I will have leftover pasta, more broccoli, and an olive/veggie salad with romaine
So it seems to me that it only takes 5 days to turn my eating habits around. While I wouldn't exactly say that I'm completely free from food addictions and ready to bring back dessert and sweets, I do feel that I am in control. I do feel that I am close to being able to eat whatever I desire WITHOUT overeating or "needing" to eat certain vices over and over again. I'm close to freedom.
And now that my mind is quiet and no longer badgering me with questions, I have discovered many answers that I was seeking. To state a few of these answers: I AM capable of making proper food choices, I AM able to lose weight without eating 100% raw, I CAN eat balanced if I do eat 100% raw, I DON'T NEED to cut out grains, unless I choose to in the future. While I still don't know where exactly this experiment will lead or what my daily eating will look like 2 weeks or 2 months from now, I know this feels good NOW. This is helping me NOW. I can do this NOW. I have freedom from addictions NOW.
-Experiment Experience Summary: Now that I'm over the first 3 days of the detox, I'm feeling wonderful. I am full of life and positive energy. I am positive that I can make the best choices about my body, my diet, and my life. All good things are coming to me!
-Groceries Spent this week (Day 1 - Day 7): appx. $47 (already had whole wheat pasta at home)
Now on to Skinny Bitch (by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin). This is the book I found when I was under terrible stress about my diet and in great need for guidance (I wrote about that it in one of my first blogs.) This book was entertaining, straightforward, and easy for me to understand with their hilarious "attitude" and ways of explaining things. It was a great introduction to facts about nutrition, getting healthy in order to get skinny, eating whole grains and whole, "healthier" forms of sugar, reading labels on all foods in order to determine their quality, and how a vegan diet can promote health and weight loss. It was also an eye-opening look into the world of cruelty to animals used for the food and dairy industries.
I was a little nervous to become vegan, but this book showed me so many vegan foods that were fun and similar to non-vegan foods like mock meats and soy cheese. I bought a few vegan cookbooks and in no time, being vegan was second nature.
But after a while, I realized my weight wasn't budging. I was eating a surplus of delicious, heavy, hearty, AMAZING tasting foods and not GAINING any weight, but I really wanted to LOSE weight. I wanted to be at my perfect weight. I won't go into further detail because I already did so in my earlier blogs, but basically, my desire for pure food brought me to reading Natalia Rose's books and eating raw again. After this, I felt a little mislead by Skinny Bitch. Even though it did head me down the right path and brought me to a better, healthier diet than the one I had before, I just wasn't at my best.
Well, after eating my delicious-yet-overeaten meal at Squid and Ink and being overwhelmed with questions and contemplations, I had the sudden urge to read Skinny Bitch again. The first thing that happened upon this (third) re-read is that I fell in love with being vegan all over again. I remembered all the reasons why I went vegan in the first place. Second, I started noticing things that I hadn't noticed the first two times I read it.
Initially upon reading the book the first time, I was filled with excitement, discovering all the foods and desserts I could make vegan: French toast, veggie burgers, pastas, mac n cheese, brownies, cookies, cupcakes. My focus was baking and creating amazing comfort food meals. I completely overlooked the fact that, while these meals are semi healthy compared to S.A.D food, they should never be eaten in excess and need to be balanced with fresh fruits, vegetables, and greens, EVERY DAY.
And reading it this last time, I realize that they actually say that! They warn against overeating, tell you to eat ONLY UNTIL SATISFIED, eat fruit for breakfast and raw veggies/salad for lunch for optimal results, don't binge, balance your meals, eat appropriate servings. It's all there, I just chose to ignore it.
My main complaint is that they didn't repeat these warnings enough or in a way that can get through thick, addictive skulls like mine. I wonder how many other girls read the book and ended up like me; vegan but overeating and obsessed with desserts. (For all I know it's just me, haha.) Another thing is that the menu plans at the end of the book don't cater to the "fruit for breakfast, salad for lunch" rule. They do state that it is optimal to do so but I do wish they would have included a menu of an ideal eating day for those who have finally finished transitioning from S.A.D. to vegan and want to eat even better. But I also understand that they were targeting a different audience, a beginner audience. People exactly like who I used to be, thinking I "could never go vegan because I would miss cheese and pasta." But unless you re-read it and pay close attention to the ways in which they encourage you to improve your diet, it's hard to move past the transition stage of being vegan. In fact, I knew in the back of my mind that I could be eating lighter and healthier (I knew those molasses cookies were full of refined sugar and flour) I just plain didn't want to. I loved my comfort food and I often chose eating in abundance over losing weight.
So basically, I love this book again because I now fully understand the motive behind Skinny Bitch and how to look at it from different stages. First, as a newbie to the wide, exciting world of vegan food. Second, reading it again to keep myself on track (which didn't last long). And third, reading it from a viewpoint of trying to make the best food choices for myself, overcoming overeating, and remembering the beauty and benefits of a vegan diet.
I recommend this book to anyone looking to improve their diet, especially if you are coming from a hearty diet full of refined flour, refined sugar, meat, and dairy. It makes transitioning to a vegan diet easy and fun. There are so many meals you can make vegan. I've found that almost ANY meal can be veganized. But for those of you who want to lose weight: make sure you keep in mind the suggestions to eat ONLY fresh fruit/fresh juice for breakfast, raw veggies/salad for lunch, and a balanced dinner WHEN YOU ARE READY. This would be a good time to read Raw Food Life Force Energy by Natalia Rose. But another warning: if you do go from being a happy, satisfied vegan to reading RFLFE, don't feel like you need to or should change your diet to include fish or raw goat cheese. There's a reason you went vegan. Unless you are unsatisfied, just stick with it. I'm glad I tried raw goat cheese because I got to make a decision for myself. And while I do believe that it digests beautifully and much easier than nut cheeses and soy cheese, I think I'm ready to say I won't be eating it again. I like not eating dairy. I don't need it.
Happy Saturday everyone (I have to work tonight but then I'll be off to enjoy my night)!!!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Addiction Free Diet Experiment Update
I am on day 3 of my self-named Addiction Free Diet Experiment. I definitely haven't been over-eating, but I can't say I specifically feel noticeably better. I'm feeling pretty happy and at peace right now, but there have been times during the past three days where I'm a little moody, low on energy, slightly depressed, and full of annoying, unanswerable questions. Today, I also feel a little bloated. Looking at these things as if I were detoxing from an alcohol or drug addiction, this is exactly what should be happening, considering I've cut out some very addictive substances out of my diet.
I haven't had sugar or sweets besides fruit for three days, yet my mind is craving dessert, showing me pictures of cupcakes and candy, leading me to linger in the vegan cookbook section when I really wanted to look in the health section. And I haven't been snacking on whatever I want. I haven't been eating tons of cheesy nut pates or rich sauces. So what have I been eating?
Day 1: Weight 116.5 lbs (pretty normal for the week)
-Green Juice (11am). -Pear (11:30 am). -2 carrots (4pm) -All raw veggie salad with balsamic vinegar with stir fried zucchini, onion, garlic, and red bell pepper and brown rice leftovers (small plate) (8pm) -still hungry so ate 1 1/2 slice of sprouted wheat bread
Day 2: 117.5 lbs
-Green Juice (9am) -green apple (12noon) -Avocado (3pm) -Romaine salad with my favorite "Olives of Love" garlicky seasoned olives from PCC Natural Market and tomatoes and cucumber with blanched asparagus and a baked sweet potato.
-Groceries purchased: olives, asparagus, orange, tomato (can't remember what else) appx. $12 @PCC
Day 3 (today): 117 lbs
-Apple (10am) -Orange (12:30pm) -For dinner I will have a salad with avocado, tomato, cucumber, onion, and garlic with a small serving of brown rice and blanched asparagus.
-Groceries purchased: pear, bananas, kale, salad greens, 2 tomatoes, 2 avocados, red onion, grapefruit, $16 @Pike Place Market
And so far, these are "The Principles;" the guidelines of the diet:
-The first and most important is CUT OUT ALL ADDICTIVE FOODS (I explained those and listed them in my last blog). This is the heart of this experiment. Get myself away from being obsessed with foods that trigger binging, overeating, and guilt.
-Do NOT eat until hungry
-Do drink green juice every day (a goal; I don't expect to accomplish this strictly every day because of my budget)
-EAT RAW TILL DINNER and dinner must be at LEAST half raw. This will usually be a giant raw salad.
-Eat LIGHT TO HEAVY. Start with green juice in the morning (if having) then fruit when first hungry, then raw vegetables later in the day, and then cooked veggies/grains (if having) during dinner only
-EXERCISE every day. A minimum of a comfortable amount of sun salutes ever day. Other forms: walk, jog, yoga, treadmill, wii fit games, etc.)
-EAT ONLY UNTIL SATISFIED
-BUY ORGANIC as much as possible
-BODY BRUSH every day to promote the removal of waste and toxins
It's too early to say much else about my experiment, but this is what I have done so far. I still don't know where this will lead, what shape this diet will take, or what to do once I feel that my "detox" is done. For the sake of getting these questions out of my mind, here's what I've been asking myself for the past three days:
-Am I not eating enough raw food now? -Should I be aiming for an all-raw diet? -Is it possible to eat more raw without hurting my budget? -Should I cut out grains? -Is it ok to include lentils in my few cooked meals? -What about tofu? -Do I want to go back to being strictly vegan and cut out raw goat cheese? -Should I be following one diet/person/book? -Does any one person/book have all the true answers? -Can I include some vegan comfort food dishes in my future? -Can't I just be a little bit of whatever I want to be as long as I am balanced and peaceful with my choices? -Should I read all the nutrition/raw/vegan books I love all over again to give me more direct guidance or should I let go and just let my body/intuition lead me? -Am I capable of making the best choices for my health, body, and diet? -Is being 100% raw the only way I can lose weight? -Do I want to be 100% raw? -Am I just looking for a label (vegan, raw, etc)? -How will I know when my "detox" from my addictive foods is over? -What should I include in my diet after it is over? -Should I stay away from all sweets forever? -Am I capable of eating dessert sparingly without obsessing, overeating, or getting re-addicted to it? -And what about my very small budget right now? -What are the best foods for me to eat in this situation, balancing wholesomeness and price? -Am I just hopeless?
Yes, all these questions and more are constantly running through my mind and causing me a great deal of anxiety. Just a week ago I said I felt "at peace" with my diet. Now I'm questioning everything and I'm not exactly sure what is causing it. All I can do is follow this experiment that I know my "higher self" brought me because I was filled with such an awe as the awareness of my food addiction swept over me. I can't ignore that.
But these questions are annoying me. There is nothing I can do about them now. My "higher self" knows all the answers deep down anyway, I'm sure. It's my mind that does all the contradicting. And who can know what the future will bring? If you live in the now, at peace with the moment, all will be as is meant to be.
I realized this as I was waiting for my bus this morning, just sick and tired of all the questions, all the skepticism, all the contemplating and debating. I stopped the questions and told my mind to be quiet. Only then did I find peace. And answers...
Based on how I've felt, I know there is something wrong with my relationship to food. No matter how nourishing and delicious the food is and how happy it makes me feel, I feel like crap when I overeat, mentally if not physically as well. I want freedom. This is what I have to work with, this is what I intuitively knew would be the first step; removing the addictive foods from my diet, and moving on from there. Take it one day at a time. Live in the now. Write. Learn. Progress. Go with the flow.
And I also realize it's the same with other areas of my life. I'm trying so hard to figure out what to do with my future; go to school, start my own business, concentrate on career. But have I ever mentioned in this blog that I'm writing a book? It's a fantasy novel/possible first in a trilogy that I've been working on for a few years. A few months ago, I decided to undertake a final and complete re-write. It was going so well. I had my own email reading group and I was getting a lot of good feedback. When the stresses of the holidays, my promotion at work, and my new ideas to further my education or career direction, I nearly completely stopped. My focus switched. Yes, my ideas and ambitions are awesome and I'm so excited to start working on them but I really need to focus on one thing at a time. Step One: finish my book. No excuses. Write down my goals, keep them in mind, ask the universe for guidance in achieving them, then let them go. My book is what I have NOW. If I'm meant to follow a different path, then the way will be given when it is time. There is no point stressing and questioning my future when I already have one possibility in the works. I DO want to be a writer. I LOVE writing as much as I love nutrition. I am just as passionate about my books as I am about my vision of helping others with their health and diets. I CAN do both; I can do it all; I can have, be, and do anything. But let's work on one at a time, shall we? Determination is nothing without focus.
And about my budget...yeah, it kinda sucks right now. While I got promoted and received a raise, I'm working a significantly lower amount of hours which means my tips AND paychecks are less. My budget for groceries is embarrassingly small. About $30 this week, unless my paycheck this Friday allows me a little extra, but I'm not so sure about that. But there's nothing I can do about it until I get more hours, find a better paying job, or sell my car. So in the meantime, all I can do is buy the healthiest, highest quality foods I can afford, as much raw produce as I can afford, and whatever else I can afford that will nourish and satisfy me best without contributing to my food addictions. And this will be good for my experiment. People are always saying that eating healthy is too expensive. So I will do my best to prove them wrong and eat a mostly raw diet and include the highest quality cooked foods like steamed veggies, sweet potatoes, and maybe beans and tofu (both very affordable, although not perfectly ideal-but hey, I'm here to do MY best!) I'll record all the money I spend on food, record my results, and share them.
-Experiment Experience Summary: Fighting the detox against sweets, too many questions in my mind, but I'm finding clarity. Go with the flow. Be the best that I can be for ME in my situation with my needs.
-Groceries Spent this week: appx. $28 combined with a few staples I already have (brown rice, etc.)
I haven't had sugar or sweets besides fruit for three days, yet my mind is craving dessert, showing me pictures of cupcakes and candy, leading me to linger in the vegan cookbook section when I really wanted to look in the health section. And I haven't been snacking on whatever I want. I haven't been eating tons of cheesy nut pates or rich sauces. So what have I been eating?
Day 1: Weight 116.5 lbs (pretty normal for the week)
-Green Juice (11am). -Pear (11:30 am). -2 carrots (4pm) -All raw veggie salad with balsamic vinegar with stir fried zucchini, onion, garlic, and red bell pepper and brown rice leftovers (small plate) (8pm) -still hungry so ate 1 1/2 slice of sprouted wheat bread
Day 2: 117.5 lbs
-Green Juice (9am) -green apple (12noon) -Avocado (3pm) -Romaine salad with my favorite "Olives of Love" garlicky seasoned olives from PCC Natural Market and tomatoes and cucumber with blanched asparagus and a baked sweet potato.
-Groceries purchased: olives, asparagus, orange, tomato (can't remember what else) appx. $12 @PCC
Day 3 (today): 117 lbs
-Apple (10am) -Orange (12:30pm) -For dinner I will have a salad with avocado, tomato, cucumber, onion, and garlic with a small serving of brown rice and blanched asparagus.
-Groceries purchased: pear, bananas, kale, salad greens, 2 tomatoes, 2 avocados, red onion, grapefruit, $16 @Pike Place Market
And so far, these are "The Principles;" the guidelines of the diet:
-The first and most important is CUT OUT ALL ADDICTIVE FOODS (I explained those and listed them in my last blog). This is the heart of this experiment. Get myself away from being obsessed with foods that trigger binging, overeating, and guilt.
-Do NOT eat until hungry
-Do drink green juice every day (a goal; I don't expect to accomplish this strictly every day because of my budget)
-EAT RAW TILL DINNER and dinner must be at LEAST half raw. This will usually be a giant raw salad.
-Eat LIGHT TO HEAVY. Start with green juice in the morning (if having) then fruit when first hungry, then raw vegetables later in the day, and then cooked veggies/grains (if having) during dinner only
-EXERCISE every day. A minimum of a comfortable amount of sun salutes ever day. Other forms: walk, jog, yoga, treadmill, wii fit games, etc.)
-EAT ONLY UNTIL SATISFIED
-BUY ORGANIC as much as possible
-BODY BRUSH every day to promote the removal of waste and toxins
It's too early to say much else about my experiment, but this is what I have done so far. I still don't know where this will lead, what shape this diet will take, or what to do once I feel that my "detox" is done. For the sake of getting these questions out of my mind, here's what I've been asking myself for the past three days:
-Am I not eating enough raw food now? -Should I be aiming for an all-raw diet? -Is it possible to eat more raw without hurting my budget? -Should I cut out grains? -Is it ok to include lentils in my few cooked meals? -What about tofu? -Do I want to go back to being strictly vegan and cut out raw goat cheese? -Should I be following one diet/person/book? -Does any one person/book have all the true answers? -Can I include some vegan comfort food dishes in my future? -Can't I just be a little bit of whatever I want to be as long as I am balanced and peaceful with my choices? -Should I read all the nutrition/raw/vegan books I love all over again to give me more direct guidance or should I let go and just let my body/intuition lead me? -Am I capable of making the best choices for my health, body, and diet? -Is being 100% raw the only way I can lose weight? -Do I want to be 100% raw? -Am I just looking for a label (vegan, raw, etc)? -How will I know when my "detox" from my addictive foods is over? -What should I include in my diet after it is over? -Should I stay away from all sweets forever? -Am I capable of eating dessert sparingly without obsessing, overeating, or getting re-addicted to it? -And what about my very small budget right now? -What are the best foods for me to eat in this situation, balancing wholesomeness and price? -Am I just hopeless?
Yes, all these questions and more are constantly running through my mind and causing me a great deal of anxiety. Just a week ago I said I felt "at peace" with my diet. Now I'm questioning everything and I'm not exactly sure what is causing it. All I can do is follow this experiment that I know my "higher self" brought me because I was filled with such an awe as the awareness of my food addiction swept over me. I can't ignore that.
But these questions are annoying me. There is nothing I can do about them now. My "higher self" knows all the answers deep down anyway, I'm sure. It's my mind that does all the contradicting. And who can know what the future will bring? If you live in the now, at peace with the moment, all will be as is meant to be.
I realized this as I was waiting for my bus this morning, just sick and tired of all the questions, all the skepticism, all the contemplating and debating. I stopped the questions and told my mind to be quiet. Only then did I find peace. And answers...
Based on how I've felt, I know there is something wrong with my relationship to food. No matter how nourishing and delicious the food is and how happy it makes me feel, I feel like crap when I overeat, mentally if not physically as well. I want freedom. This is what I have to work with, this is what I intuitively knew would be the first step; removing the addictive foods from my diet, and moving on from there. Take it one day at a time. Live in the now. Write. Learn. Progress. Go with the flow.
And I also realize it's the same with other areas of my life. I'm trying so hard to figure out what to do with my future; go to school, start my own business, concentrate on career. But have I ever mentioned in this blog that I'm writing a book? It's a fantasy novel/possible first in a trilogy that I've been working on for a few years. A few months ago, I decided to undertake a final and complete re-write. It was going so well. I had my own email reading group and I was getting a lot of good feedback. When the stresses of the holidays, my promotion at work, and my new ideas to further my education or career direction, I nearly completely stopped. My focus switched. Yes, my ideas and ambitions are awesome and I'm so excited to start working on them but I really need to focus on one thing at a time. Step One: finish my book. No excuses. Write down my goals, keep them in mind, ask the universe for guidance in achieving them, then let them go. My book is what I have NOW. If I'm meant to follow a different path, then the way will be given when it is time. There is no point stressing and questioning my future when I already have one possibility in the works. I DO want to be a writer. I LOVE writing as much as I love nutrition. I am just as passionate about my books as I am about my vision of helping others with their health and diets. I CAN do both; I can do it all; I can have, be, and do anything. But let's work on one at a time, shall we? Determination is nothing without focus.
And about my budget...yeah, it kinda sucks right now. While I got promoted and received a raise, I'm working a significantly lower amount of hours which means my tips AND paychecks are less. My budget for groceries is embarrassingly small. About $30 this week, unless my paycheck this Friday allows me a little extra, but I'm not so sure about that. But there's nothing I can do about it until I get more hours, find a better paying job, or sell my car. So in the meantime, all I can do is buy the healthiest, highest quality foods I can afford, as much raw produce as I can afford, and whatever else I can afford that will nourish and satisfy me best without contributing to my food addictions. And this will be good for my experiment. People are always saying that eating healthy is too expensive. So I will do my best to prove them wrong and eat a mostly raw diet and include the highest quality cooked foods like steamed veggies, sweet potatoes, and maybe beans and tofu (both very affordable, although not perfectly ideal-but hey, I'm here to do MY best!) I'll record all the money I spend on food, record my results, and share them.
-Experiment Experience Summary: Fighting the detox against sweets, too many questions in my mind, but I'm finding clarity. Go with the flow. Be the best that I can be for ME in my situation with my needs.
-Groceries Spent this week: appx. $28 combined with a few staples I already have (brown rice, etc.)
Monday, January 19, 2009
A New Twist On My Journey
So my vegan comfort meal at Squid and Ink went pretty well. I can't say that I'm exactly impressed with myself and the meal choices I made, but I felt good afterward and I ended up coming across some very powerful realizations as a result...but more on that later.
First, a recap of my meal: I met up with my vegan friend, Brandi (who now lives in Denver) and a few of our other friends at Squid and Ink. It was full of delicious smells and memories of fried, greasy, delicious, warm comfort food. I was torn between ordering something light and simple or ordering something heavy and tempting since my visits to Squid are few and far between. I committed to ordering salad as my side instead of fries, and then decided upon the fatty, heavy dish, Monte Cristo, which is a vegan ham and cheese sandwich grilled between two slices of fluffy french toast. It was so good! We also shared an order of biscuits and gravy and then some fries. I ended up eating my entire meal, plus digging into the shared plates and continued to eat even more still! I was surprised with my appetite and ability to eat WAY more than anyone else at the table. I have to admit, I was a little disappointed in myself. While I still had room in my stomach for more, I knew I had had enough once my plate was empty. But I just kept eating. I wanted more. I wanted to taste those rare flavors over and over again.
For the rest of the day, I managed to stay away from eating until dinner, which consisted of an all raw veggie salad followed by a small bowl of seasoned nuts and about two Tbsp almond butter rolled in cocoa powder (that was my dessert tick going off.) But throughout the day, I kept thinking about all those vegan comfort food meals I used to enjoy on a regular basis, and I started missing them. I could almost hear the forces arguing within me. One would say, "Oh, but you love vegan junk food! It's so good! And look, you felt fine afterward. You should eat like this more often." And the other voice would remind me, "I could never lose weight when I ate like that every day. I felt like crap. I felt heavy. I love the direction in which my new body is going. I love eating raw. I love eating light. I love feeling good and full of life force engery."
As I was preparing for bed, I started writing in my journal about my day and about my experience at Squid and Ink, working out reasons for why I ate so much more than every body else. I started thinking about the foods that inspire binging. I thought about the foods I can eat easily without over eating.
And then a lightbulb went off and everything made sense: I'm addicted to certain foods and tastes. Just like alcohol.
In April 2007, I quit drinking. I realized my drinking was out of control. It wasn't that I was a traditional alcoholic in the usual sense. I didn't need to drink every day, I didn't drink when I was alone. But when I did drink, I couldn't stop. I would keep drinking far beyond my limit until I became a different person. And I just couldn't take it anymore. I hated the person I became when drunk. I hated the mornings where I would wake up with no idea how the previous night ended. I was hurting myself and my boyfriend, Brian. I tried moderation and control but all my good intentions about how I would have "just one beer" would quickly fly out the door once that one beer was consumed and I would wind up with a wild night and horrible hangover. While I've never done anything too crazy in comparison with other people I know, my behavior while drinking is too crazy for me. I have high standards for myself and my bahavior. I know I am capable of controlling my behavior; I've proven it by quitting drinking. While I still get occasional cravings and temptations, I have so far stayed true to my word.
Last night, I made the connection between my problems with alcohol and my obsessive over eating. I'm a binger. Certain foods trigger binging and overeating. I will eat large portions of these food and eat them until I am far beyond full. Or I will eat a small serving and then constantly think about getting seconds until I do.
I took the first step, and admitted my problem.
First; the worst; sweets. All forms of sweets and sugar trigger binging. If I make an entire batch of cookies, I can never eat just one. Ever. If I make an entire raw cake, I need to eat slice after slice until I'm nauseous and physically can't eat more. If I eat a few pieces of chocolate or a few raisins, a couple minutes later I'm back in the kitchen for the other half of the bar or for an entire bowl of raisins. This category includes all sugars, raw or not, refined or natural, all pastries, raw desserts, sweet dried fruits, raw honey, and chocolate.
Next is fats. All things heavy and fatty have triggered binging. Nuts, being the easiest of fats for me to overeat, are also the hardest to give up because they are so much a part of the raw diet. But I have already experienced overeating with nuts the first time I went raw, and have seen the dangers. There are a lot of raw foodists who base the majority of their diet around nuts, especially newbies; people who need a lot of desserts and "raw gourmet" dishes in order to feel satisfied. If they find success and balance while doing so, then wonderful. More power to them. But I know I need balance. It's hard for me to eat just a small portion of nuts, nut pate, or nut dessert. I look back to last week when I ate "Raw soft tacos" made with cashew cheese, walnut meat, and topped with salsa and wrapped in a collard green. I would eat two very full tacos and follow them by two slices of raw cheesecake. It is so upsetting to look back on this because I already know that's not balanced. I've already gotten a kidney infection. Yet I ate this way for multiple days in a row, even after I was feeling heavy and dense. One of my main obstacles is learning how to make only what I can eat without overeating. Many raw recipes make large batches and as I am the only one in my house eating them, I have to eat as much as I can for days in a row until it's all gone so I don't waste anything. But if I am ever to eat nut-heavy recipes again, I MUST find a way to eat appropriate servings and balance my week by alternating with cleansing meals after the heavy meals. Always. No excuses.
Other fatty foods that trigger binging are olives, coconut oil, oil-heavy sauces, anything deep fried, and cheese or anything "cheesey," especially in the form of melted cheese, cheese and starch combo, or cheesy sauces. This includes vegan cheese and nut cheese as well. The only cheese I'm not sure of is raw goat cheese. Since I eat it so rarely and only as a component to a raw salad or as a small topping to another veggie dish, I don't think it triggers binging. But if I do continue to eat raw goat cheese, I will keep an eye on my reactions.
And the last category is Carbs/Starches/Grains. I can easily eat too much rice, bread, crackers, pita, potatoes, and mock meats. The foods I'm unsure of is lentils/tofu. I don't think I have ever experienced binging on beans or tofu unless they are components of a burrito, and in that case I end up eating too many. And I know that soy is supposedly highly mucus forming and inharmonious, according to Natalia rose, but I have a feeling that soy in the simple form of tofu (like in a tofu-veggie scramble) would be fine on occasion. While I still want my diet to be mainly raw, I also want to include the occasional cooked side dish.
Now onto the list of things I can eat safely without binging. This includes all raw vegetables, all greens, most fruits (as long as I only eat one at a time during the day and never for dessert), avacados, and cooked non-starch veggies. Foods I know I can handle with the proper awareness and portion control are sweet potatoes (only if I bake one at a time without sugar), brown rice (one cup allowance), sprouted grain bread (one or two slices at the most), raw goat cheese (not melted or combined with starches of any kind like crackers or tortillas), olives (just a few here and there on a salad), and goji berries (pre-measured as a snack.)
So this left me with a lot of questions. Questions about myself, about my eating patterns. About what I've read in my favorite books and what I've been told. I realize that there are a few things I agree with and a few things I don't, based on MY OWN experiences for MY SELF. I agree that raw food in the form of fruits and veggies are highly life enhancing and the best for the body. I do NOT agree that you can eat as much raw food in the form of nuts and seeds and oils in any combination and in any amount. I believe you CAN include nuts, seeds, and oils in a diet but only if your portions are balanced and kept lower in proportion to your amount of fresh, raw greens and veggies in the meal. I believe that you can enjoy dessert in healthier forms but I DO NOT agree that you can eat as much dessert as you want, guilt free, in any form raw or not. All desserts and sweets should be eaten with awareness and balance and not become routine. If you are like me, and you obesessively need to eat dessert every night after dinner, then you should abstain from dessert at least until you no longer feel you need it. Because, being honest, you don't. It's fun and delicious and a wonderful treat, but if it is making you feel like crap or you are obsessing over sweets, or you are eating more than you know is necessary, than it is harming your mentality and in turn, your life force engergy.
So where does this leave me now? Well, I thought about moderation. I could cut back on nuts, eat dessert only a few days here and there. But has that ever worked with other addictive substances? Did moderation work for me when I was an obsessive over-drinker? No. The only thing that has ever helped me overcome an addiction is to give it up completely. So that's what I'm doing.
I'm undertaking a new experiement. I'm designing my OWN diet, based on common sense about my own needs. My first step is to rid my body of these addictive foods. All of them. It will be my initial detox. While I can't imagine abstaining from nuts and dessert forever, I'm thinking I will "detox" for at least two weeks, but I am aiming for 21 days, maybe even one month. As this is my own experiement, I will take it day by day, keep note of how I feel, and adjust as neccesary. If I no longer crave dessert after two weeks, then I'll know I'm ready to include some sweets like dried fruits or a piece of chocolate. Or maybe once I'm free from my dessert obsession, I'll want to stay away for even longer. I KNOW abstaining from dessert and gaining freedom in this way will help because I've done it before. I remember when I went to Europe, I felt the best on the days when I didn't eat sweets. Most of the time, I didn't even have access to any vegan sweets to begin with. It wasn't until I got home and got back into baking when I starting eating desserts compulsively again.
So I am excited about this new path in my journey. I don't know how it will go in the long run. Maybe, just maybe, I've discovered something extraordinary for myself. Today is day one of the Addiction Free Diet.
Let's see how it goes!
First, a recap of my meal: I met up with my vegan friend, Brandi (who now lives in Denver) and a few of our other friends at Squid and Ink. It was full of delicious smells and memories of fried, greasy, delicious, warm comfort food. I was torn between ordering something light and simple or ordering something heavy and tempting since my visits to Squid are few and far between. I committed to ordering salad as my side instead of fries, and then decided upon the fatty, heavy dish, Monte Cristo, which is a vegan ham and cheese sandwich grilled between two slices of fluffy french toast. It was so good! We also shared an order of biscuits and gravy and then some fries. I ended up eating my entire meal, plus digging into the shared plates and continued to eat even more still! I was surprised with my appetite and ability to eat WAY more than anyone else at the table. I have to admit, I was a little disappointed in myself. While I still had room in my stomach for more, I knew I had had enough once my plate was empty. But I just kept eating. I wanted more. I wanted to taste those rare flavors over and over again.
For the rest of the day, I managed to stay away from eating until dinner, which consisted of an all raw veggie salad followed by a small bowl of seasoned nuts and about two Tbsp almond butter rolled in cocoa powder (that was my dessert tick going off.) But throughout the day, I kept thinking about all those vegan comfort food meals I used to enjoy on a regular basis, and I started missing them. I could almost hear the forces arguing within me. One would say, "Oh, but you love vegan junk food! It's so good! And look, you felt fine afterward. You should eat like this more often." And the other voice would remind me, "I could never lose weight when I ate like that every day. I felt like crap. I felt heavy. I love the direction in which my new body is going. I love eating raw. I love eating light. I love feeling good and full of life force engery."
As I was preparing for bed, I started writing in my journal about my day and about my experience at Squid and Ink, working out reasons for why I ate so much more than every body else. I started thinking about the foods that inspire binging. I thought about the foods I can eat easily without over eating.
And then a lightbulb went off and everything made sense: I'm addicted to certain foods and tastes. Just like alcohol.
In April 2007, I quit drinking. I realized my drinking was out of control. It wasn't that I was a traditional alcoholic in the usual sense. I didn't need to drink every day, I didn't drink when I was alone. But when I did drink, I couldn't stop. I would keep drinking far beyond my limit until I became a different person. And I just couldn't take it anymore. I hated the person I became when drunk. I hated the mornings where I would wake up with no idea how the previous night ended. I was hurting myself and my boyfriend, Brian. I tried moderation and control but all my good intentions about how I would have "just one beer" would quickly fly out the door once that one beer was consumed and I would wind up with a wild night and horrible hangover. While I've never done anything too crazy in comparison with other people I know, my behavior while drinking is too crazy for me. I have high standards for myself and my bahavior. I know I am capable of controlling my behavior; I've proven it by quitting drinking. While I still get occasional cravings and temptations, I have so far stayed true to my word.
Last night, I made the connection between my problems with alcohol and my obsessive over eating. I'm a binger. Certain foods trigger binging and overeating. I will eat large portions of these food and eat them until I am far beyond full. Or I will eat a small serving and then constantly think about getting seconds until I do.
I took the first step, and admitted my problem.
First; the worst; sweets. All forms of sweets and sugar trigger binging. If I make an entire batch of cookies, I can never eat just one. Ever. If I make an entire raw cake, I need to eat slice after slice until I'm nauseous and physically can't eat more. If I eat a few pieces of chocolate or a few raisins, a couple minutes later I'm back in the kitchen for the other half of the bar or for an entire bowl of raisins. This category includes all sugars, raw or not, refined or natural, all pastries, raw desserts, sweet dried fruits, raw honey, and chocolate.
Next is fats. All things heavy and fatty have triggered binging. Nuts, being the easiest of fats for me to overeat, are also the hardest to give up because they are so much a part of the raw diet. But I have already experienced overeating with nuts the first time I went raw, and have seen the dangers. There are a lot of raw foodists who base the majority of their diet around nuts, especially newbies; people who need a lot of desserts and "raw gourmet" dishes in order to feel satisfied. If they find success and balance while doing so, then wonderful. More power to them. But I know I need balance. It's hard for me to eat just a small portion of nuts, nut pate, or nut dessert. I look back to last week when I ate "Raw soft tacos" made with cashew cheese, walnut meat, and topped with salsa and wrapped in a collard green. I would eat two very full tacos and follow them by two slices of raw cheesecake. It is so upsetting to look back on this because I already know that's not balanced. I've already gotten a kidney infection. Yet I ate this way for multiple days in a row, even after I was feeling heavy and dense. One of my main obstacles is learning how to make only what I can eat without overeating. Many raw recipes make large batches and as I am the only one in my house eating them, I have to eat as much as I can for days in a row until it's all gone so I don't waste anything. But if I am ever to eat nut-heavy recipes again, I MUST find a way to eat appropriate servings and balance my week by alternating with cleansing meals after the heavy meals. Always. No excuses.
Other fatty foods that trigger binging are olives, coconut oil, oil-heavy sauces, anything deep fried, and cheese or anything "cheesey," especially in the form of melted cheese, cheese and starch combo, or cheesy sauces. This includes vegan cheese and nut cheese as well. The only cheese I'm not sure of is raw goat cheese. Since I eat it so rarely and only as a component to a raw salad or as a small topping to another veggie dish, I don't think it triggers binging. But if I do continue to eat raw goat cheese, I will keep an eye on my reactions.
And the last category is Carbs/Starches/Grains. I can easily eat too much rice, bread, crackers, pita, potatoes, and mock meats. The foods I'm unsure of is lentils/tofu. I don't think I have ever experienced binging on beans or tofu unless they are components of a burrito, and in that case I end up eating too many. And I know that soy is supposedly highly mucus forming and inharmonious, according to Natalia rose, but I have a feeling that soy in the simple form of tofu (like in a tofu-veggie scramble) would be fine on occasion. While I still want my diet to be mainly raw, I also want to include the occasional cooked side dish.
Now onto the list of things I can eat safely without binging. This includes all raw vegetables, all greens, most fruits (as long as I only eat one at a time during the day and never for dessert), avacados, and cooked non-starch veggies. Foods I know I can handle with the proper awareness and portion control are sweet potatoes (only if I bake one at a time without sugar), brown rice (one cup allowance), sprouted grain bread (one or two slices at the most), raw goat cheese (not melted or combined with starches of any kind like crackers or tortillas), olives (just a few here and there on a salad), and goji berries (pre-measured as a snack.)
So this left me with a lot of questions. Questions about myself, about my eating patterns. About what I've read in my favorite books and what I've been told. I realize that there are a few things I agree with and a few things I don't, based on MY OWN experiences for MY SELF. I agree that raw food in the form of fruits and veggies are highly life enhancing and the best for the body. I do NOT agree that you can eat as much raw food in the form of nuts and seeds and oils in any combination and in any amount. I believe you CAN include nuts, seeds, and oils in a diet but only if your portions are balanced and kept lower in proportion to your amount of fresh, raw greens and veggies in the meal. I believe that you can enjoy dessert in healthier forms but I DO NOT agree that you can eat as much dessert as you want, guilt free, in any form raw or not. All desserts and sweets should be eaten with awareness and balance and not become routine. If you are like me, and you obesessively need to eat dessert every night after dinner, then you should abstain from dessert at least until you no longer feel you need it. Because, being honest, you don't. It's fun and delicious and a wonderful treat, but if it is making you feel like crap or you are obsessing over sweets, or you are eating more than you know is necessary, than it is harming your mentality and in turn, your life force engergy.
So where does this leave me now? Well, I thought about moderation. I could cut back on nuts, eat dessert only a few days here and there. But has that ever worked with other addictive substances? Did moderation work for me when I was an obsessive over-drinker? No. The only thing that has ever helped me overcome an addiction is to give it up completely. So that's what I'm doing.
I'm undertaking a new experiement. I'm designing my OWN diet, based on common sense about my own needs. My first step is to rid my body of these addictive foods. All of them. It will be my initial detox. While I can't imagine abstaining from nuts and dessert forever, I'm thinking I will "detox" for at least two weeks, but I am aiming for 21 days, maybe even one month. As this is my own experiement, I will take it day by day, keep note of how I feel, and adjust as neccesary. If I no longer crave dessert after two weeks, then I'll know I'm ready to include some sweets like dried fruits or a piece of chocolate. Or maybe once I'm free from my dessert obsession, I'll want to stay away for even longer. I KNOW abstaining from dessert and gaining freedom in this way will help because I've done it before. I remember when I went to Europe, I felt the best on the days when I didn't eat sweets. Most of the time, I didn't even have access to any vegan sweets to begin with. It wasn't until I got home and got back into baking when I starting eating desserts compulsively again.
So I am excited about this new path in my journey. I don't know how it will go in the long run. Maybe, just maybe, I've discovered something extraordinary for myself. Today is day one of the Addiction Free Diet.
Let's see how it goes!
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