On to happier things

I really did abandon this poor blog, and what a depressing two final posts to end it on! Well, I just wanted to drop in and assure the few people who may be stumbling upon this blog, that my life really did return to balance. I'm not exactly a raw foodist or vegan, but I am eating well and loving my life. I am currently blogging at www.tessonja.blogspot.com. There I write about my current adventures, mostly revolving around being a new mommy. But there are also things for you foodies, too! At this moment, I am on a gluten and dairy free elimination diet to see if it clears up my five month old daughter's skin problems. In the future, I may link up the recipe posts here, but for now, check out that blog, especially the 'recipes' tab!

Thanks!

Woah, new post finally! Green smoothie goodness!!!

Hey hey hey there, long time no write! I have abandoned my poor food blogs, but the weirdest thing happened today: I made something healthy that I was EXCITED about and had the urge to share! Wow!

Anyhow, my life has been wild. I don't really want to go into details, but let me just say I am not exactly the healthiest right now in terms of diet. I've been drinking a bit (ok, a lot...more than I'd like to be), I'm not currently vegan OR vegetarian (but I DO still enjoy vegan meals, and many of my meals are vegetarian), a lot of my meals are eaten on the run/for convenience, and a lot of my dinners come from the freezer aisle.

I am, however, aware of what is and isn't good for me. Does that make it better? I don't know. All I know is that I haven't been sick since November (and that was brought on by nothing else but stress), and I'd like to keep it that way. So there are a few principles I like to maintain consistently. And the easiest health principle I've been able to keep over the past few crazy newly-single months is this: eat yo greens!!!

Greens are soooo good for you. Green plants in general contain a lot of good shit. I'm not about to get into any specifics, just trust me or go do some research. Anyhow, you should enjoy rich leafy greens like spinach, kale, romaine, or other power packed greenies like broccoli and asparagus. Personally, I like to have a daily salad. Yeah, the rest of my diet is kinda partying in the shitter but at least I feel good about those daily salads.

I used to concoct these amazing, giant, overflowing salads with homemade dressings and blah blah blah but for some reason, at this time of my life, I like to keep it simple. Usually I'll just throw together salad greens, pomegranate seeds (pre-packaged, of course, from my job at Trader Joe's), crumbled goat cheese, and balsamic vinegar. I change it up a bit, but not for long.

Unfortunately, I get BORED of salads in general on occasion. But I know they are good for me. So how do I get my greens?

Green smoothies, fool! They are sooo easy and are actually super delicious. And cheap! You can pretty much make magic out of any combination of leafy greens (kale, spinach, chard, romaine), fruit, and water or juice. Here's what I had today:

Big handfuls of spinach (filled about 3/4 of the blender)
About one cup of frozen berry mix
One banana
Water (filled after the above is already in the blender, until it reaches the 1 cup line)

BLEND! Add more water if necessary!

And for an extra treat, I topped it off with some soy whipped cream. Necessary? No. Delicious? Yes!

Now go make your own!

P.S. Wanna see what I've currently been working on? Visit my horrible, mopey, depressing yet thoughtful 'words' blog: tessonjaswords.blogspot.com

abandoning my poor blog

So it is apparent I am currently abandoning my food blogs for the time being. My life has taken a complete 360 and I am just not focused on making food or even thinking about food like I used to. Much is due to the many life changes I have gone through in the past few months.

Most influential was the ending of a near-7 year relationship with my boyfriend. I left the relationship for many, many reasons and will not get too far into it here. It was a good choice that probably should have been made a lot sooner, and I am really happy with my decision. This event did, however, turn my life on its head. Being with someone that long can really make you lose a part of yourself, or at least repress it. There are so many complicated elements that make up who I am. The person I was becoming with him was great, for the most part; I was a good, accepting girlfriend, I was interested in health, I was eating well, vegan for two years, non-drinker for two years.

I started to feel other parts of myself coming out, though. First I broke being vegan (again and again), then I started drinking again. I broke up with the boyfriend and just...well, I can't really explained what happened. Everything I knew about my life just exploded, and I was the one who detonated the bomb. And it was great.

Where does this leave me now? Honestly, I am not interested in health and diet the way I was a few months ago. This sounds terrible, I know, but I'm just being honest. Haha, not that many people read this, or anything. Anyhow, detaching myself from the situation, I would say that I am destroying everything that I was for the past 7 years, starting new, figuring out who I am, who I want to be. I'm being reckless, I am having fun, I am eating like a 21 year old frat boy, I am staying up late. It may not be the best 'cleansing' but it is what I am doing nonetheless and I feel good about it.

I spent a lot of time cooking for the ex over the past few years, and now that it's over, and I am no longer a devoted little 'housewife' my desire to cook for myself has come to a complete standstill, in fact, I despise cooking these days. It's odd, because I used to find such joy in creating delicious meals, even when I was just cooking vegan stuff for me. Hmm, not quite sure what that's all about. I hope my joy of cooking returns eventually because I do still want to be healthy. My current diet consists of soup, salad, coffee, mac n cheese, or pizza for the most part. Oh, and beer. And mexican food and margaritas.

So my raw food journey has come to an end, at least for now. Maybe it will continue again if the desire returns.

I do, however, still have the passion to blog...I find something exciting or thrilling or therapeutic about sharing part of my life in a semi-public manner...so I will be expressing my current interests: words. I've written a lot of poetry in my life, although not so much during my last relationship. And I've been writing again, in addition to going through my old poems. I'm not very good or talented, but there's something about it that I like. So my new blog will share poems and short essays, old and new. I feel a little nervous and vulnerable about it, but drawn to it at the same time. We'll see how it goes...

new blog: Words

bye for now!

Holy Crap it's been awile...

I don't exactly have good or exciting news...I haven't been cooking or creating anything fun lately so no tasty recipes or anything. It's been a weird end of the year. But here's an update on my food journey since I last posted...

I could have predicted that I would fail at my last attempt at "cleansing." I wanted to cleanse so badly, but I just couldn't stick to it as long as I thought I could. It seems that my "cleanses" are getting shorter and shorter; it's like the more often I do them, and the stricter they become, the less I can stick to them for any lengthy amount of time. I just get to a certain day where I say "screw it" and binge. I was so disappointed in myself last time, that I didn't write about it here...that explains my long absence from posting! And because of this avoidance, I can't remember exactly what happened or what I ate that triggered my fall. All I know is that I just didn't last. The foods I was restricting became enticing and unavoidable.

I was so confused! I asked, in anguish, why am I always binging? Why can't I stick to cleanses? Why am I finding it so much harder to stick to restrictive diets after two years of being a successful vegan? To find answers I read a couple books, to help ease anxiety. These were all very interesting and gave me a great deal of insight into my habits and relationship with food. The best books were: "The End of Overeating" by David Kessler, "Mindful Eating" by Jan Chozen Bays (not finished with it quite yet), and "Intuitive Eating" by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resche. These books basically had the same things to say: the more you yo-yo diet, the worse your metabolism gets, and the harder it is to keep off weight. And the more you "restrict" foods, the more your body craves them. You binge when you think you will never eat a certain food again. Foods that are restricted seem magical and alluring.

While none of these books promise a magical and immediate cure, they did help me understand the workings of my mind and how I can work towards establishing a healthier relationship with food. I heartily recommend all these books to anyone struggling with overeating, binging, and eating disorders. Each had something different to offer: The End of Overeating provided a look into our psychology around food, the hidden food triggers, and why we are compelled to binge on certain foods; Mindful Eating provided some helpful tips based on Buddhist mindfulness practices teaching how you can be more present when you eat (this is a wonderful way to eat, although it is SUPER difficult for me to follow consistently! But change is a long, winding road); And Intuitive Eating taught me something very, very valuable: that I need to STOP dieting now and STOP restricting foods, if I want to return to a healthy relationship with food.

I have learned that from my many years of dieting, obsessing over food, obsessing over weight, obsessing over nutrition, and then later becoming vegan specifically for weight loss (and less about the health and ethics) has made my relationship with food a very unhealthy one. Right now, seeing my weight, my strongest urge is to cleanse, to stick to a strict and healthy diet, to go raw again, and/or to go vegan again. And while these lifestyles are all wonderful, if desired as a means to purity, true cleanliness, true joy, and true health, my desires are for a quick fix to weight loss. Period. I'm not saying that weight loss is ALL I've wanted in the past when I have made these lifestyle changes for myself, but I am realizing that these wonderful desires to be healthier have been tainted by an obsession over weight loss.

So where am I now? Over the past couple months I have been taking tips from Intuitive Eating and taking the first step toward re-establishing a healthy relationship with food by restricting nothing. It was a relief at first, although it was hard to fully let my guard down and truly convince myself that I wasn't going to restrict a food/food group again. And I did gain some weight, as I read would likely happen. But now I am starting to feel the ease of having nothing restricted and the allure of certain foods is starting to fade. At first I ate a lot of cheese. Now, while I still love cheese, it's not quite as tempting as it was before. I no longer want cheese or a cheesy flavor on EVERYTHING I eat. In fact, sometimes it kinda grosses me out. Sweets, on the other hand, are taking me much longer to ease up from. It's hard to release the mindset that they are tasty morsels that I must savor before I restrict them again. But I am slowly learning that cookies aren't even that good; they're pretty dry. And cake is heavy. And some chocolates make me shaky. And sweets in general make me feel crappy when eaten in excess. Progress is painfully slow, but I'm learning the hard way that the effects of quick-fix diets, cleanses, and detoxes don't always last. Especially if you have an eating disorder of any kind. Everyday I still get the urge to just stop eating, do the master cleanse, exclude sugar completely, etc. which tells me I'm nowhere near close to regaining a healthy mindset with food. But I'll get there.

I can feel that I am coming closer to getting over the temptation of restricted foods, now that nothing is restricted (besides things I don't like, such as meat) and I am also getting better at the other steps toward Intuitive/Mindful eating such as actually listening to my true hunger, being present when I eat, eat while sitting down (not at my desk at work!), not snacking just because I'm bored but sitting down to a small snack if I'm really hungry.

And my weight? I'm not happy with it, but I know I am doing what is right for my body. I'm exercising a moderate amount, probably not as much as I could, but I am walking regularly and doing yoga occasionally (I REALLY want to get back into yoga again!). I'm still reading and absorbing knowledge. I've been fascinated by Ayurveda for some time, and I've been reading a few books such as "The Complete Book of Ayurvedic Home Remedies" by Vasant Lad. While some of the Ayurvedic concepts don't resonate with me 100%, or just don't fit into my life at this time, there are a lot of things that I do find will improve MY life (remember, people; ONE book, concept, school of thought, author, etc. does NOT have ALL the answers for YOU. We are all different, so don't be afraid to accept the things that are true for you, and leave behind the things that don't suit you...I'm learning that myself, as it is hard for me to think for myself sometimes...it's easier to be told what to do, and assume it's for the best because some other author/person/book says so, and force myself to stick to it.) such as yoga and meditation when I get a quiet, private evening to myself, breathing deep, being mindful of how certain things affect the doshas and keeping them in balance. And in order to appreciate my body NOW since I have to love the one I've got no matter what shape it's in, I've been enjoying this cute book, "101 things to do before you diet" by Mimi Spencer. This is a very uplifting book that is obviously aimed at people like me; people who are done yo-yo dieting but still want to eventually reach their perfect weight and look good while doing so. There are little tips on both nutrition and fashion, in a way that makes you feel beautiful and accepted. I'm only about halfway through with the book, but it is very enjoyable. I like the fact that she offers a number of tips and urges you to chose the ones that work for you, without promoting one lifestyle/diet (for example, she offers a tip about eating raw, another about eating more soups, another about eating more greens, another about practicing the ayurvedic principle of eating your biggest meal during lunch, etc.) It helps me get out of my obsessive mentality of wanting to follow a strict diet and restrict foods, and helps me think for myself.

So here I am. I am building up a lot of knowledge and am creating my own beliefs. There are some things from my previous lifestyles that I agree with, and I am adopting other beliefs too: raw fruits, veggies, and nuts are wonderful for the body and make me feel so good; I still love vegan foods, although some are far lighter/less dense than others; mock meats and vegan cheeses are tasty on occasion but shouldn't be a daily staple for me; it's all about the basics- fruits, veggies, unrefined grains, whole foods, pure foods, organic foods; dairy is tasty on occasion but it is heavy and best eaten in small amounts, like a sprinkle on salads or on top of pasta; I like to enjoy the occasional junk food, such as nachos, pizza, popcorn, and quesadillas, but don't feel good when I eat these things daily; a daily salad is divine; I love soups for lunch; when I'm not hungry in the morning, I prefer to skip breakfast; when I am hungry in the morning I like cereal, oatmeal, or fruit; I still love chocolate and sweets, but I don't feel good when I eat them daily. I'm craving raw gourmet meals again, but I am aware that for me, it is best I eat them on occasion when they truly sound yummy, not just because I know how cleansing they are...that mentality just leads me to food/weight obsession once again.

Slowly but surely, I will learn what suits ME best. Certain foods are perfect daily staples; others are fun on weekends or when going out to eat on a date with the boyfriend. I feel like a child. I know I will keep learning. I know I will hit snags in the road. I know it will get easier. I know eventually, I won't be obsessed with certain foods. I know my body is beautiful now, even though it is plumper in places. I know I'll fall and then I'll get back up again.

I feel bad writing such uplifting posts about how good I've been doing, how I've mastered moderation, how I've lost weight only to alternate with posts about how I've binged, how I've crashed, how I've gained weight. But you know what? I'm human. I'm learning. I've got issues. We all do, don't we? I'm just me and that's all I can be. I will, however, work to become the best me that I can be, flaws and all included.

To the new year ahead! I was on a budget the last couple months so I could buy presents for my loved ones, but now I think I will be financially comfortable when it comes to buying food, so I anticipate some tasty recipe-making! I'm craving Carmellas Kelp Noodles in Peanut Sauce like crazy, so hopefully I'll be making that soon! And how about some raw desserts, to keep those heavier desserts away? We'll see...

Taking charge of my feminine body!

Well, it sure has been a busy month and a half since I last wrote. I had tons of fun making raw food during the first half of August. Then my diet got a little sloppy and I felt a slight inclination toward a cleanse. I wasn't really motivated to do anything too drastic, but I wanted something...something to test and strengthen my "discipline muscle." I picked up a book on a whim called "The Optimum Wellness Cleanse" by Kathy Freston. The principle behind it is that for 21 days you abstain from the "Big 5"; all animal products, alcohol, caffeine, sugar (except for stevia and agave nectar), and gluten. While this cleanse was obviously targeted at people who eat a heavy, meat-and-dairy laden diet, I was fascinated about trying to go completely sugar and gluten free for that length of time. I knew this cleanse wouldn't actually be very cleansing for me, considering it allowed unlimited amounts of foods I know to be less-than-life-force-generating, such as soy products, mock meats, mock-cheeses, nuts, etc, but I thought the sugar and gluten restriction would be enough to practice self-control with. I also knew it could help prepare me for a stricter cleanse afterward, if I decided I wanted to increase my level of cleansing.

The Optimum Wellness Cleanse was exactly what I expected; not very cleansing for someone already living a mostly vegan, alcohol-free, and caffeine-free lifestyle but definitely challenging in terms of living completely gluten and sugar free. I enjoyed the lack of sugar obsession that resulted from abstaining. Temptation was there at first, but then melted away. I just didn't crave it. I was, however, allowed to eat raw sweets since stevia and agave were considered cleanse-approved, so I wasn't completely lacking dessert. I did encounter a slight struggle overcoming the urge to eat my beloved dark chocolate which was NOT cleanse-approved, due to its sugar and caffeine content.

Once my 21 days were up, I felt good knowing I could live without sugar and gluten. But I did not feel great. I did not feel cleansed. Ever since my failed attempt at doing Natalia Rose's "Detox for Women" program, I've wanted to do it again. Well, actually, I wanted to want to do it again. I wanted to feel the motivation to do it. But over the past few months, I just haven't had the urge to give up my vices and take control of my finances enough to do it. But somewhere toward the end of the "Optimum Wellness Cleanse," I looked down at my body and realized it looked so unnatural. I just knew I was meant to be thin, lean, and toned with smooth, firm skin. Yes, I have hips and a butt, but I am not meant to have the "extra baggage" around them. So I was suddenly drawn to the "Detox for Women" program again, and decided I wanted to commit to it as much as possible for the entire month. I told myself I would just lean into it (a term I learned from "Optimum" which I like and can now understand better with the "Detox" cleanse) and could "cheat" if I really wanted to.

So I started Detox for Women. I re-read the book, bought plenty of produce for juicing, made a few glasses of the green juice all at once and froze them in individual cups to make my mornings easy (just grab, go to work, let defrost, and drink!), bought plenty of salad greens and veggies, and started eating according to the principles of the program. A few days in, I decided I wanted to eat raw goat cheese (and the also acceptable organic pasteurized goat cheese, sheep cheese, and raw cow cheese) but this time, closely monitoring how I reacted and felt; the last thing I wanted was to trigger a binge. The last time I chose to eat the raw goat cheese, I instantly wanted to eat less-cleansing cheeses, and then quickly moved on to eating all sorts of unhealthy, non-vegan and non-cleansing foods completely. But being very picky about my quality cheeses helped. Since I have always loved cheese, vegan and non-vegan cheeses alike, it really makes me feel satisfied when I allow myself to eat it in some form. And since soy products and processed foods are restricted on this program, I am going with the goat cheese. Another allowance that I love about this program, is the 70% cacao dark chocolate I can have for dessert. I LOVE dark chocolate. It's just so luscious and light. I'm also allowed a glass of wine. I'm not a drinker--in fact, I haven't drank in over two years, but something about this time in my life made me feel like a glass of wine with some dark chocolate was appropriate; this feeling definitely had a lot to do with the fact that my boyfriend is on tour for over a week right now, and I really want to have "woman-time" while he's away, and treat myself really loving and act feminine. I have had a few of these wonderful, peaceful "wine-and-chocolate" evenings and feel no feelings of addiction or binging. I don't even get anything more than a slight, warm, buzz. Sigh. What a perfect serenity I feel from being so in control of my body!

I'm on day six of this program and I already feel amazing. I've been drinking my juice every morning, eating two salads a day, and properly combining all my meals. I can already tell I've lost weight, even though I am still dedicated to avoiding the scale. I don't care how skinny I get; no good can come from becoming weight-obsessed again. I feel so beautiful and that is all that matters. I look forward to the remainder of this program and intend to incorporate many of these principles in my diet and lifestyle for good.

But it doesn't stop there; I have more news. For the past few months, if not longer, I have had this strong urge to quit birth control. At the very least, I have wanted to quit using it continuously. I have been on the pill since I was 18, which means I have been consuming synthetic hormones for 7 years straight. I have used it semi-continuously (which gives you 4 periods a year instead of one each month) for at least 4 or 5 years, and completely continuously (absolutely no periods) for about 2 of those years. I grew up with a lot of shame about my feminine body. I started puberty before any of my friends and was not ready or prepared for boobs and periods when they came. I was so embarrassed when my mom forced me to wear a bra when I was nine. And I was so disgusted when I got my period when I was 14. I was always really uncomfortable about having a period, so once I learned I could quit having one by manipulating my usage of "the pill" I was all for it. I didn't care what the risks were; I didn't even ask. I just asked if it was possible to end my period and gobbled up those pills every day.

But then I started learning about health and nutrition; about hormones and estrogen. And with "Detox for Women" I learned a little bit more about how birth control pills (and any medication or drugs) can interfere with cleansing and weight loss. So I've had this nagging feeling that I should quit birth control, but didn't know what else to do. My boyfriend and I have never had to use condoms in the six years we've been together and we are very determined to avoid pregnancy. But I had been using and abusing my body for our sexual convenience for too many years and just decided I was done. I wanted to be a natural, real woman for once. There's just been this sudden change in me, where I want to embrace my femininity, respect my body, and treat my self well. I want to have the most perfect and pure female body that I can have, inside and out. And that means, not only do I need to eat a pure, cleansing diet and quit eating shit-food, but I also need to quit pumping my body with fake hormones that could be really detrimental to my well-being. I've heard what an over-load of hormones can do. I just want to experiment with going off "the pill" and see what it feels like; I have never had that experience as an adult woman! For all I know, I might feel completely different...in a good way! I am prepared that I could get sick and not feel so great while my body detoxes from the pills. But it will be worth it in the long run.

Anyhow, part one of the story: get off the pill. Part two? Well, I knew I needed some form of natural birth control, if there was a such thing. So I did an internet search and ended up: HERE. I was so fascinated by what I learned from this website about the "Fertility Awareness Method", so I bought the book that explains even more about it. Basically, "FAM" brings you completely in touch with your feminine body, helps you gain a deep understanding about your menstrual cycle, and ultimately teaches you to know when your fertile and infertile days are. This seems like it is exactly what I'm looking for: a way to embrace and understand my feminine body, live naturally and hormone-free while still avoiding pregnancy without a constant use of condoms! If done correctly and consistently, "FAM" is supposedly as effective as "the pill." Awesome. I can't wait to start reading this book. I have read so many positive reviews about it and one of my co-workers has read it and loves it also.

Yesterday I took my last birth control pill. If all goes well, I should be getting my first period (in at least two years) soon...hopefully this week, but who knows how long it will take for my cycle to become re-established. And for the first time EVER, I am looking forward to it! A period has brought me nothing but shame and disgust before; now I recognize it as a privilege and a miracle of the female body. Instead of mutilating and manipulating my body, I am going to learn how to work with nature and embrace who and what I really am on the physical level.

I can tell I am on a new path in this body of mine and I am greatly looking forward to it!

Busy in the kitchen with Ani's Raw Food Dessets Book!

Oh boy was yesterday a busy day in the kitchen for me! I hadn't expected to make so many delicious treats! I have tons of pictures to share but unfortunately, not many recipes as most came from Ani Phyo's newest book, "Ani's Raw Food Desserts." And while I'm sure it's not exactly illegal to post recipes from the book, I DO want to support this book as much as possible. So I will share my pictures in hoping that it will inspire you to get off your lazy ass and go buy this AWESOME book! After making these recipes, it is safe to say that this is my favorite raw foods book so far! (Can you tell I love sweets?) It's easy enough to live off of fresh fruit and creative salads without the use of a recipe book, but when you get that sweet tooth craving, it's good to have some amazing, simple, and totally out-of-this-world-I-can't-believe-this-is-raw-it's-so-good recipes. At first glance, these recipes looked too simple to be good; I thought they would be bland or mediocre. But no, these are so scrumptious, reminding me that sometimes simpler is better!

(As a side note, a few months ago I purchased "Just Desserts" Ebook by Heathy Pace and "The Best of Raw Freedom Community" and "The Best of The Sunny Raw Kitchen" both by Carmella. While I have yet to make anything from these books quite yet, the recipes look INCREDIBLE and from what yummy-ness I have experienced on the Raw Community Forum and on both these ladies' blogs, these books MUST be amazing, and might just take the lead. I'll have to get off MY lazy ass some day and make something from them!)

Let's get started.

First off, I made Lemon Cookies. I'm not sure where I first discovered this recipe, but here's a link to where I think it originated...here.



These were tart and sweet! It could have used a little less lemon juice, but I think that's because I have very tart lemons. My work sells a big bag of at least 6 NON organic lemons for just over $1 so I used one of those. I find that organic lemons have a sweeter flavor for the most part. I did, however, use an organic lemon for the lemon zest and some of the juice needed in the recipe.

NEXT I discovered what quickly became an all-time favorite...Carmella's Kelp Noodles in Peanut Sauce! WOW! I didn't expect this to turn out so AMAZINGLY delicious! I just couldn't imagine how those ingredients were going to taste enough like a peanut sauce but holy crap, they did! The almond butter, tahini, lime, and coconut butter made the perfect combination to create a tasty Thai Peanut sauce! I let the noodles marinate in the sauce in the dehydrator for 30 minutes and then sat down to a delectable meal of soft noodles in a creamy sauce. The next day, I ate my leftovers. The noodles and veggies were much softer from marinating over night, but I still wanted the semi-warm taste from the dehydrator, so again I popped it in for 30 min. Even BETTER the next day! You gotta try this recipe, especially if you are curious about kelp noodles!



NEXT, after bumming around on the RFC, I came across a recipe for Ani Phyo's "Black Sesame Sunflower Bread" and was reading about the positive responses, and decided I should make it. I had made it before a few years ago, but it was right before I got really sick, which turned me off to EVERYTHING I was eating at the time. I couldn't even remember if I liked this bread. So I figured it was time to try it again. And another winner! You can dehydrate it in as little as 5 hours, which will give you a moist, soft bread, or you can leave it in longer for longer storage. I did a little of both. I'm not a fan of totally dry raw breads, so mine are all still relatively pliable.

I made mine with regular sesame seeds, as I couldn't find black ones. Black seeds look a lot prettier, I think, but I'm sure it tastes just as good! Also, I cut most of the pieces even smaller than the recipe calls for, as sometimes my appetite isn't big enough for a whole piece. Here is a slice with avocado, tomato, and sprouts:



NEXT I made "Breakfast Toast" out of Ani's Raw Food Desserts. I'm eating a piece as we speak! I kept mine on the slightly softer side. I like it topped with almond butter and bananas and then popped into the dehydrator to warm it up.



NEXT I made Ani Phyo's "Key Lime Kream Bars", "Carob Walnut Cookies", "Ice Kream Sandwiches" (made with key lime bars and the cookies), "Liquid Chocolate", "Bonbons" (made with key lime bars and liquid chocolate), and "Chocolate-Covered Bananas" (made with liquid chocolate.)

The Key Lime Kream Bars were sweet and tart and extremely versatile. They could easily be made into a cheesecake, by pouring the recipe over your favorite crust in a spring form pan. I poured my mixture in a spring form pan, imagining that would be the easiest to work with. I really just wanted to make the Ice Kream Sandwiches. While the mixture was in the freezer, I made the Carob Walnut Cookies. I flattened out the mixture with my hands, and then used a circular shape to cut out the cookies. Since I don't have cookie cutters, I took apart this metal frosting applier thingy...what's that thing called that you use to make piping with frosting on cakes? Whatever it is, I used that. It just shows that sometimes you gotta be really creative! Anyhow, once the Key Lime Kream was frozen, I used the same circle to cut out pieces of that. Since the shape was so small (maybe only 1 1/2 inches wide) the height of the Kream looked a little tall between the cookies, so I cut east piece in half, which gave me two circles of Kream! Once all the cookie sandwiches were assembled, I had a lot of Kream left. I cut the rest into bars, save for the oddly shapes scraps that came from around my circle cut-outs.



What should I do with all these scraps, I wondered? Make Bonbons, of course! I quickly whipped up some Liquid Chocolate which is just coconut oil and cacao powder, with mesquite powder and agave nectar being optional additions. Since I didn't think I needed much, I made only half the recipe and used a mixture of raw carob and non-raw cocoa powder. Here's my adaptation:

Liquid Chocolate
Adapted from Ani Phyo's Raw Food Desserts

1/2 cup liquid coconut oil (measure, and then place in bowl in dehydrator until liquid)
1/8 cup raw carob (I put both "chocolates" half-and-half together in a 1/4 cup measure)
1/8 cup cocoa powder (or cacao, or all carob, or whatever you want!
1/2 tbsp agave nectar

Sift your carob/cocoa mixture into the liquid coconut oil (I DID NOT sift when I made this, and it was VERY chunky. Lesson: SIFT!) and add the agave. Wisk together. Now you can cover up anything from Kream bars to fruit and beyond!

Once my liquid chocolate was made, I took the Kream scraps, let them soften on the counter for a couple minutes, pressed them into a rounded tablespoon (would have worked best with a small ice cream scoop) and then put them on a plate to freeze. Once re-frozen, I tossed them in the liquid chocolate, and then put them in the freezer again. After minute or two, I followed that with another coat of liquid chocolate since it was looking a little thin (the warmer the chocolate, the thinner the layer will be.)

I figured while I was making Bonbons, I might as well make Chocolate-Covered Bananas as well! I cut three bananas into thirds, skewered them (cut the long skewers in half), froze them for a few hours, and then dipped them in the liquid chocolate. Well, my method was more of spooning the chocolate over the bananas to get them evenly coated. I topped them with goji berries, and popped them back in the freezer. The liquid chocolate hardens within seconds, and is perfectly ready for eating after a minute or two in the freezer, so you can have your dessert in a flash!



Like I said, I didn't sift my cocoa, so the chocolate looks a little chunky. But it tastes amazing!

Wow, this feels like a VERY long post. Hope you enjoy!

What's your internal weight?

Yep, I've been staying away from that scale and it feels good. I can tell I'm losing weight, and I feel amazing. Part of me wants to jump on that scale and see just how much weight I've lost and how much more I have to lose until I am at my perfect weight, but all this will do is: a.) boost my ego to an unnecessary degree or b.) crush my self esteem and attract self loathing. And both will encourage a weight obsession that is not healthy to my mind, body, or spirit. So what I'm working on, in the spirit of getting in touch with my "inner body" is asking myself, "What is my INTERNAL weight?" Not how much do my insides weigh, but how do I feel inside? Beyond my mind, beyond my ego...how does my higher self feel about my body? And my current answer is: cleansing. Yep, that is my internal weight. It may not be a number, but that doesn't make it any less valid. I can feel my body is detoxing and releasing fat. I'm not at my perfect weight quite yet (I'll know when I'm at my perfect weight because I'll feel light and strong and clean, and I'll feel like I have created a perfect vehicle for my spirit) but I'm definitely getting there. I like my body NOW, and that is what matters!

Also, I've been doing a lot more yoga at home lately. My minimum is usually about 10 minutes of sun salutes in the morning, but lately I've added a couple more poses and probably spend about 20 minutes every morning before I go to work. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but it's invigorating, and all the time I can spend on it without waking up earlier than 5 am! The other day I spent the longest time EVER on yoga poses at home: almost 1.5 hrs! I just did the poses out of "Happy Yoga" by Steve Ross (which I am still reading) and had myself an amazing evening. I lit candles, played calming music, and stretched my body. "Happy Yoga" is such a winner for so many reasons. It really sparked my commitment to return to a high raw diet, as well as opening me up to further lessons about the spiritual aspect of yoga AND the physical poses! I just LOVE the powerful sun salute I learned from the book! It's much more refreshing and more of a work out than the one I had been used to before, but I usually can only do about 3 repetitions.

In other news, I have stocked up on many raw essentials to get me going again: tahini, coconut butter, braggs (instead of nama shoyu...it's much cheaper and I was curious to try it), raw almond butter, agave nectar, and lots of nuts and seeds. This week I've made Ani's Tahini Lemon Dressing, More Almond Frangipane Kream from Ani's Raw Food Desserts book, lots of salads, tried Dulse in my salad for the first time, tried Braggs liquid aminos for the first time (in the tahini dressing), tried some yummy store-bought raw crackers to use with the rest of my pesto from last week, and tried a raw soup today that I totally LOVED!

I've never really been a big fan of raw soups; I was turned off of them early on because I tried a couple recipes that really weren't appetizing. Since then I've liked a couple raw soups, mostly from Natalia Rose's books, but nothing too incredible. Nevertheless, something inside told me to give raw soups another chance. So I went to the RFC to see what recipes were out there that others could recommend. I was surprised by the answer: Cream of Zucchini Soup. It doesn't sound very good, but there was so much positive response about he recipe. And even more surprising was the fact that the recipe came from a book I have had for years, "Raw Food Made Easy or 1 or 2 People" by Jennifer Cornbleet! I have flipped through this book and made a few recipes, but always half-heartedly flipped over the soup section. This soup never caught my eye. But I was determined to try it. Needless to say, it is absolutely delicious! I had it lightly heated over the stove. I set the stove to medium, letting it warm while stirring constantly. I have a helpful gadget that I rarely ever use, but came in handy in this: a thermometer with an alarm that goes off when the food has reached a pre-set temp. It let me warm my soup without cooking it past 110 degrees! The soup tasted great right out of the blender, but after tasting it lightly warmed, I realized that that's the key to my enjoyment of raw soups! There's something about my taste buds that just get a little bored or wierded out about eating a cold, thick (or thin), savory liquid for too long. It makes me feel like I'm eating a dip. It might taste good, but dips are meant to be eaten lightly, not an entire bowl plain. But now I realize I just need to warm the soup, so it really reminds me of...SOUP! (I'm not sure if anyone else has this preference, so just ignore this if you are fine with cold soup)

Anyhow, this soup will become a daily staple in my kitchen from now on :)

Cream of Zucchini Soup from Raw Food Made Easy for 1 or 2 People by Jennifer Cornbleet

Serves 2 (but I ate the entire recipe in one sitting, so you might wanna make extras!)

½ cup water
1 zucchini, chopped (about 1 cup)
1 stalk celery, chopped
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 teaspoon mellow white miso (I used 1/2 tsp Braggs)
½ teaspoon crushed garlic (1 clove)
¼ teaspoon sea salt
dash cayenne pepper
1 tablespoon olive oil
½ avocado, chopped
1 tablespoon fresh minced dill, or 1 tsp dried

Place all of the ingredients except the olive oil, avocado and dill in a blender. Blend until smooth.

Add the olive oil and avocado and blend until smooth. Add the dill and blend briefly just to mix.

Serve immediately, chill, or warm lightly on the stove.



I ate the ENTIRE recipe served alongside a salad and raw crackers topped with (non-raw) hummus. Geez, I need to get some smaller bowls so I don't eat this whole recipe each time I make it!

And to conclude today's blog, I would like to share the things I am making this week: Black Sesame Sunflower Bread from "Ani's Raw Food Kitchen"...I made these once before a couple years ago, but it was right before I got a massive kidney infection (which turned me off to what I had been recently eating; this bread being one of them) so I can't remember what it tasted like. I'm sure I loved it. But I'm gonna try it again! Next, I will make Breakfast Toast, Key Lime Kream Bars, and Carob Walnut Cookies (and combining the lime bars with the cookies to form ice cream sandwiches) all from "Ani's Raw Food Desserts" (that Ani Phyo sure is a raw-foods-hero!), Lemon Cookies, and Carmella's Kelp Noodles in Peanut Sauce! I am very excited to make all of these recipes!

What a great life :)

More fun with Kelp Noodles, Yoga, Books, and Raw Desserts!

The journey to health can be arduous. You find passion in eating healthy for a while, and then one day you have a temper or don't feel too well and you just want to give in and eat comforting crap. This happens to me often, and it can take a lot sometimes to snap me out of it, and remind me of what I deep down know is best for me. Deep down I do KNOW (as we all KNOW truth if we listen to the 'self' that lies beyond our thoughts and body) what is best for me: which kinds and how much exercise I like and need, which foods are best for my body and health, how much I need to eat. But if you unknowingly fall out of your cloud of bliss, you can land on a roller coaster ride of confusion and less than healthy choices. I would love to find freedom from this roller coaster once and for all some day. What does accomplishing this take?

While I'm not exactly sure what the answer is, I do feel I am capable of getting there. The best key that I have found is of a spiritual nature. When my mind, body, and spirit are balanced and all equally nourished, I make better choices, I AM balanced. It is when my mind is at ease and quiet that I can feel the freedom. It is when I feel there is peace in my life. It is when I am doing yoga. It is when I am eating light and healthy. It is when I eat more raw foods. It is when I let go of the nagging questions and worries in my mind ABOUT health, wellness and diet. And one thing leads to another. I make a valiant effort to eat well one day. I feel great. I feel inspired to get a new book to encourage the healthy lifestyle I want. I get excited and eat well again the next day. I learn new yoga poses. I learn new spiritual insights through reading my new books. I feel even greater.

This has been my week. While I've had ups and downs, I've come out on top. For example, I had a cold for a couple days (either from detox symptoms from my improved diet, or from the chemical cleaner I smelled someone using at work, which burned my nose a bit) and I started feeling crabby. I wanted to complain and go home from work and have people feel sorry for me. But I made it through my work day (thanks to having a job that I love) and then the next. After a while, I got over that subtle feeling of subconsciously wanting to feel bad so I can feel sorry for myself and have others do the same. I remained grateful for my body's amazing ability to detox and heal itself, and for the fact that besides being congested and foggy and tired, I felt great! And at some point through my third day, after doing some new yoga poses, I felt my energy return. I was happy, positive, and balanced.

And today I feel absolutely awesome in every way. I love the food I'm eating. I love moderation. I love exercising and stretching. This is a feeling that I want to last. Part of me is afraid it will slip away like a dream if I have one hectic day. But the best thing to do, I think, is not to grasp or want. Just be. Falling down will just help me grow in the process of getting back up again, so there's no need to be afraid or obsessing.

Speaking of obsessing, I haven't weighed myself in quite some time. Actually, I take that back; I stepped on the scale a couple weeks ago to some grave disappointment, and quickly decided I was right to refrain and returned to my not-weighing-myself. And now, as I FEEL thin and light, and imagine I have lost some weight, the urge to weigh has returned. I thought about weighing myself again once I'm certain I've reclaimed my perfect weight. But then I thought, what will this do? If I find that I have in fact reached my perfect weight, it will fulfill my ego, and in turn create obsession over every single fluctuation on the scare thereafter. And if I find that I didn't reach my perfect weight, I would feel horribly negative and depressed and even more obsessed with weight. The idea I'm playing with is throwing my scale away (if my boyfriend doesn't mind) forever, and using my 'internal scale' instead. While it's good to make sure you are at a healthy weight, it is NOT good to obsess over every single pound gained or lost if you ARE at a healthy weight! I'm understanding that the answers are within. I know by the way I feel if I am at my perfect weight. And that's where I need to focus.

Moving on, I would like to share my discoveries of the week that got me to where I am today.

First is my book shopping trip. I went to borders and bought two books, 'Ani's Raw Food Desserts' by Ani Phyo and 'Happy Yoga' by Steve Ross. Firstly, I'll talk about 'Happy Yoga'. This book caught my eye kind of by accident. I had already picked up 'Ani's Raw Food Desserts' and was on my way to the check stand when I glanced at the Yoga section, just for fun, when this book caught my eye. The author shares the name with someone I know, so I laughed, imagining him writing a yoga book, and then decided to flip through it to see what it was all about. First off, I loved the cover. The overall vibe of the book had me smiling. Then I saw the section about diet, and was happy to see that he recommended a raw vegan diet. I flipped through some more and read the synopsis and was flowing with gratitude when I realized I had found a book I needed. I'm still reading it, and every page is worth being savored. It's about 90% the spiritual philosophy behind yoga, and 10% physical yoga. I love this book. I love his story, his advice, and his humor. I was immediately drawn in from the first chapter, reading about how he had been a rock musician, and had to balance his personal lifestyle with the fast paced 'rock star' lifestyle, which I can relate to as a musician myself. This entire book is a great and inspiring read, and is responsible for enhancing my current joy of life right now!

Now onto 'Ani's Raw Food Desserts.' Having made only two of the recipes so far, I don't have much to say about it, but I have been dying to get this book for a long time. Flipping through this little book, I can tell the recipes are easy and low maintenance. I can see many recipes that fit into my budget, schedule, and desire for simplicity. I can't wait to make more recipes from this book! About the recipes I HAVE made: yesterday I made the Almond Frangipane Kream. It's a light, simple, creamy topping or pudding. At first, as I was blending my ingredients, I thought I needed to add more almonds, as the mixture looked runny. But I held out, wondering if maybe it just needed to be blended longer than instructed (instructions say 30 seconds.) I was glad I waited and kept on blending because the result after a minute or two, was a smooth, thick cream. Silly non-VitaMix! It just needed to be blended longer! The second recipe I made was Sliced Apples with Rosemary. I was a little uncertain about this one, thinking Ew, Rosemary and...Apples? But I tried it anyhow, as it was one of the only other desserts that I actually had all the ingredients for (apples, lemon juice, and rosemary!) and I'm so glad I did. It was such a surprising yet delicious combination of tastes; sweet, sour, tangy, aromatic! YUM!



On the topic of food, let me share what I've been eating this week: In the morning I've been drinking a variation of the Master Cleanse lemon water; juice of one lemon, 1/8 tsp cayenne, and honey or agave nectar with either cold or warm water. I follow this with ginger tea sipped throughout the morning when I'm at work (my work is COLD!). For lunch (around 11am if I'm working) I eat two pieces of fruit. Most of the week I had a peach and a banana. Today I had a plum and the Sliced Apples with Rosemary. Earlier in the week I had salad for dinner followed by pasta, mostly vegan mac n cheese. While I knew this wasn't the cleanest dish, I decided to eat up the vegan cheese I had bought on a whim (in one of my agitated-need-comfort-food-moods) and then move on. A couple days I had salad followed by kelp noodles in Ani Phyo's Raw Marinara. Last night I had a euphoric day of eating: Salad (need I say I eat salad with dinner a lot?) followed by kelp noodles with Pesto from 'Raw Food Made Easy' by Jennifer Cornbleet. So Yummy!...



And now, for dessert: This was basically a variation of Berries and Peaches with Almond Frangipane Kream from 'Ani's Raw Food Desserts'. But I made it into....

Peach and Blueberry Crumble
(topped with Almond Frangipane Kream)

Fruit Filling (single serving):
1 peach, sliced or chopped
1/2 cup blueberries
drizzle of agave nectar

Toss the peaches and blueberries in the agave and set aside

Crumble Topping (multiple servings):
1 cup Pecans* (see note below)
4 dates
1/8 tsp cinnamon
pinch sea salt

Process in food processor until light and crumbly. Sprinkle a few Tbsp of the crumble on top of the fruit (or press into the bottom of a bowl or pie tin to make it into a crust). Refrigerate leftovers. Top with a few dollops of Almond Frangipane Kream, if desired (get the book!)

(*Note: I didn't actually measure out my pecans, so feel free to add more until you get a good texture.)



I will be eating this all again tonight! It was so good!
And that's all for now!

The magic of moderation

I'm writing because I am experiencing something extraordinary: I have abstained from sweets for the past few days (or more) without much force. Something happened somewhere around reading "enLIGHTened" by Jessica Berger Gross, "Essential Ayurveda" by Shubhra Krishan, and attending a yoga class at Hot Yoga of Issaquah that really helped me learn the value of moderation. Somewhere, it just clicked; that true, heartfelt desire to treat my body well and eat only foods that will nourish me. I've been in plenty of situations recently where I have considered buying sweets. I'm not even telling myself I can't have them. I'm just confronting them, and passing them over. I've even had a sweet treat in my hand more than once and put it back on the shelf. I can't remember an exact moment where I realized I didn't WANT sweets anymore (I still have these subtle cravings of the mind, which is why I walk down the candy/cookie isles in the first place); all I know is that lately, I just don't want them, and I don't need them. I've had ice cream a couple times in the past week or two, but only because Brian wanted some, so I made us ice cream cones to enjoy together. But other than that, even when I'm hanging out with friends, I find it easy to pass over the sweets. This is an amazing thing!

Also, for a few weeks I was routinely walking a minimum of 40 minutes a day (or running the treadmill on the rare not-so-sunny day), every day, no matter what. This sounds wonderful and a great thing to stick to, and I felt great. The only problem was I didn't feel like I was losing weight or making any progress. I felt like I might even be getting thicker! Yeah, I know, it was probably just muscle. But when I read "Essential Ayurveda" I remembered that my body type (Vata) has a tendency to overwork and overexert. An example of this comes from last week: one of the days I walked a total of 8 miles. The next day, I decided to rest to rebuild my strength but then gave in and went jogging/walking with my mom for an hour, followed by 1 1/2 hours of hot yoga. During hot yoga, I got so nauseous I felt like I was going to pass out. I've done hot yoga twice and never felt like that. So it is quite possible I was overexerting myself with the excessive exercise without a day of rest. And something resonated with me when the instructor would tell us to push your boundaries a little, but also practice Ahimsa, nonviolence, to your body and be gentle enough. It was a strange concept but very enlightening. I had understood ahimsa when applied to interacting with other people and animals. But being gentle...to my own body...during exercise? As foreign a concept as it seemed, it really made sense when I connected it to the practice of moderation; understanding the benefit and balance that comes from moderation of ALL things; eating, exercise, spending, indulging, etc, etc. A day or two later, I finally took a day off walking. This week, I walk every other day or two. I still, of course, do my 10 minute of sun salutations every morning. But cutting back on the obsessive aerobic walking has actually helped me feel leaner, surprisingly!

I feel great this week! I've been eating decently and practicing moderation for the most part. Of course, I still overeat on occasion, especially when eating out. But I feel like my stomach has shrunk a little, and I can't eat as much in one sitting as I could just a couple weeks ago. I don't think I have lost any weight, but I've also quit weighing myself. I'm just sick of getting on the scale, thinking my body looks great, and then finding out I haven't lost a pound. I just don't care about that right now. I don't need some device getting me stressed and disappointed. That kind of abuse is not helpful, and makes me just want to give up and binge on sweets! I will lose weight and get back to my perfect weight, but honestly, becoming healthy is what matters first and foremost. And I DO look great NOW and I will only look and feel better and better every day!

Despite the fact that I've been reading some Ayurveda books lately that for the most part discourage the consumption of raw foods (especially for Vata types) I have started eating more of them.

(if you are unfamiliar with Ayurveda, but curious, I highly recommend "Perfect Health" by Deepak Chopra and the above mentioned "Essential Ayurveda." And while I don't agree with or intend to practice 100% of what I've learned from Ayurveda, such as they Ayurvedic preference for white rice over brown, etc, I do believe that Ayurveda holds an amazing source of wisdom and helps you learn to gain insight into your body and the connectiveness of mind-body-spirit.)

Of course, I've continued eating my daily fruit and salads throughout these healthy and not-so-healthy months past. But now I'm trying to rekindle my love for raw foods and the desire to transition to a high raw diet. This week I'm drinking romaine carrot juice for breakfast, and eating a raw salad for lunch. My dinners are cooked, but eventually I want them to be half raw, and then after that mostly raw (or all raw with the occasional cooked food day during the week). I've been wanting to find my RAW excitement again, but it was finally reignited a few days ago when I was at Madison Market. There I found a pre-packaged meal made at Chaco Canyon. It was a raw ginger sesame kelp noodle dish, and it was soooo delish! I ate the yummy noodles over a bed of salad greens at home. It was my first time trying kelp noodles, and I LOVED them! I later returned to buy a package of kelp noodles to use at home, and today I tried my first recipe:

Kelp Noodles, Veggies, and Green Sauce!

Kelp Noodles:

Open package of kelp noodles, rinse, and drain. You can also toss in some lemon juice to help them soften up, but they will soften once they are in the green sauce.


Veggies:

1 zucchini
1 yellow squash
1 red bell pepper
A couple large handfuls green beans

Chop zucchini and squash. Julienne red bell pepper. Cut ends off of green beans and then cut each in half.

Green Sauce: (This recipe was adapted from the Creamy Italian Dressing recipe in Rawvolution by Matt Amsden...mine just has WAY more basil! This dressing is the #1 favorite of everyone who I've served it to! It is so versatile! Use it on salad, pasta, steamed veggies, raw zucchini noodles. Brian loves it drizzled over baked chicken and rice.)

3/4 cup oil
1/4 cup raw apple cider vinegar
2-3 cloves garlic, peeled
2 tbsp fresh lemon juice
1 1/2 tsp sea salt
1-2 cups tightly packed fresh basil (depending on how much you like basil; I usually start with one cup, then add a few more stalks of basil until the sauce is very green and has a tangy pesto flavor)
1/4 cup tightly packed fresh oregano
1/3 cup water
1/3 cup raw pine nuts

Blend!

Now, you can either toss all of the ingredients together now and serve, or store them separately. I've chosen to store separately because this makes a LARGE serving, and I intend to eat this for lunch throughout the week. If you choose to serve the full serving at once, marinade the kelp noodles in the green sauce for about 30 minutes or more to help them soften. Then top with veggies and a drizzle of more green sauce!

If you want to make individual servings, portion out the desired amount of kelp noodles and toss with green sauce. (If you are taking this to work and are letting it sit, then the noodles will be soft by lunch. If you are just eating an individual serving immediately, make sure you let the noodles marinate for at least 30 minutes.) Then top with a couple handfuls of the veggies. Drizzle with more green sauce if desired. Store the leftover green sauce in a container in the fridge. Store the chopped veggies in the fridge as well. Store the kelp noodles in a container filled with water in the fridge. All of these should last a few days. This is only day one for me, so I can't tell you exactly how long they truly last. Should serve about 4, I'm guessing.

Also, I have yet to take pictures of this, but hopefully I will get a chance before I eat it all!

One more recipe for today; Eat Your Greens...for dessert!

Green smoothie Popsicle!

This recipe is so simple it's more of an idea than a recipe. But you heard me! If green smoothies are so good for you, what better dessert could there be? Get some Popsicle molds, or use a few cups with spoons as the stick. Fill them with your favorite green smoothie recipe (see my previous posts here and here for ideas) and freeze overnight or until solid. YUM!

Well, I believe that is all I have to say for now. This week's lessons: Moderation and Ahimsa! In all things, to all beings, including yourself.

Back to my vegan roots...goodbye cheese, hello green smoothies

So my detox failed. I don't really know why. I think Natalia Rose's plan is awesome and wonderful and should totally work. But I was really having trouble committing to it. I knew I should commit to it, and I wanted to want to commit to it. I wanted a healthy, pure body. But there was this strange thing in the back of my mind that honestly didn't care. At some moments, I would look at my body, feel how I was feeling, and know that I could treat myself better. I could shed a good 10 lbs, exercise, and stick to the plan. Then, at other moments, I would look at this same body of mine and think, "It's not even that bad. It could be worse. I'm lucky I only look like this from all I indulge in. This isn't so bad. I get to eat sweets and fatty foods and pastries, and I only look and feel this bad...which isn't as bad as it could be, so what's the big deal?" And this mentality led me to making some very bad decisions about the food I ate.

During my last two weeks at Starbucks, I started looking at all our pastries and suddenly they looked delicious. I read the ingredients. I knew what crap was in them. But I honestly didn't care. I ate a toffee almond bar one day. Didn't gain weight. So I figured it wasn't so bad. I ate one another day. I sampled a different pastry the next. And this continued until I finally started feeling a little bad...and started gaining weight.

And where did all this bad behavior come from? I know there must have been some psychological issues going on in my mind, maybe stress or slight and subtle depression that made me not care about what I put into my body. But as for a physical trigger? Cheese. This has happened twice now, so I have no excuse to let this happen again. Both times it started with the allowance of Raw Goat Cheese in my diet. Then I started eating pasteurized cheese here and there. Then, since I was already eating cheese and officially "not vegan" I ended up eating other non-vegan foods (like salmon pita and latke's the first time; toffee almond bars, etc, the second) and experiencing an all together crash in my high standards for healthy food. It's an unexplainable snowball effect that takes place when I stray from my vegan lifestyle. And it was so subtle this time. I really felt like I was just going to eat cheese every now and then, and that it wouldn't influence the rest of my diet at all. But it did and I have no idea why. I can't explain it. I know it must be something linked to my subconscious. I have a feeling I have deep psychological issues with food. I just don't even know where to start in understanding them. Whatever the problem is, it's not obvious to me.

Anyhow, like last time my diet crashed, I re-read "Skinny Bitch." There's something magical about that book. I really though it couldn't possibly have any effect on me this fifth or sixth time around reading it, but somehow, it did. I wasn't even moved while reading it, like I usually am. But just a couple days ago, I realized I was done with cheese.

So I'm back to my vegan roots. However, for the sake of not offending any true, 100%, dedicated for life, ethical vegans, I'll admit that I've never been a strict vegan; I still eat honey, I wear leather (mostly in the form of shoes and used or hand-me-downs), and I don't obsess when I go out to eat that my meal is 100% vegan. This last part may sound totally absurd and non-vegan of me, but--especially as I grow to live longer with my "veganism"--I have come to understand that there's a risk in eating out at a non-vegan restaurant, and it alleviates a lot of stress to just let go and surrender to that fact, and do my best. It's easier to order vegan food at some restaurants, and more difficult at others. Currently, my favorite type of food is Indian. And while Indian food is easy to get vegetarian, it can be a little tricky to get something 100% vegan, since they use butter and cream in recipes that you would never even guess would have it in them. I ate at a vegetarian Indian restaurant with my mom recently, and they showed me which items were vegan. Then I ate at a regular Indian restaurant (Maharaja in West Seattle) with Brian even more recently (before I had made the decision to drop cheese) and just ordered from the vegetarian section. And it was so good! I was relieved that I wasn't 100% vegan at that point, because I knew I would have been overwhelmed trying to ensure I got something that was. So that department is something I feel comfortable giving myself a little slack. Just order as vegan as I can to my knowledge, and just let go, and enjoy my favorite food.

Of course, I would like to save money and eat at home as much as possible. Luckily, with my new job at Trader Joe's (which I love, by the way), I get discounts on all my groceries which include quite a few vegan Indian food products! And there are a few dishes I would like to replicate at home, vegan-ized from scratch, such as that delicious Indian spinach sauce (usually comes paired with Paneer cheese), creamy Masala sauce, and I would like to make a vegan "paneer" dish. To me, Paneer cheese tastes exactly like tofu and has the same texture, so I think it would be an easy substitution. I wonder if there are any good vegan Indian food cookbooks? Maybe I'll look online for some recipes!

Anyhow, I'm getting a little off track. To summarize my ramblings, I'm sick of cheese and sick of eating unhealthily, and am happy to go back to my vegan ways and hope I don't get blindsided ever again. I've got to be stronger next time!

The good news is that I feel like I've been eating much better these past few days...and I've been exercising every day! I wake up with my sun salutations, drink water and tea in the morning, drink a green smoothie around noon, eat something like a salad for late lunch around 2:30 or 3, and then one of my usual dinners (Chickpea red curry and rice, avocado tofu spring rolls, and these delicious vegan Masala vegetable pototocake burger things from Trader Joes are all on the menu this week.) As a step to rid my dessert addiction, I'm trading in pastries and such for fruit. I know it is not ideal to eat fresh fruit after dinner because of its difficulty to digest on anything but an empty stomach, but I do think it is a better alternative to cupcakes and cookies every night. So I'm going to try that, at least to transition away from dessert all together, and see how it makes me feel. One step at a time.

I don't know what it is, but I'm peaceful again, and ready to take care of my body. I think it has a lot to do with the new book I bought and read a few days ago: "enLIGHTened; how I lost 40 pounds with a Yoga Mat, Fresh Pineapples, and a Beagle-Pointer" by Jessica Berger Gross. This book read kind of like a memoir filled with examples and instructions of yoga poses, humor, recipes (including some Indian dishes!), and tips for improving your life. It wasn't a diet plan; it was her personal experience from childhood to early motherhood, which was inspiring and incredibly relatable. Parts of it sounded like they came right out of my own life story: how she would easily gain back the weight she lost, how she ate as a child, how she watched her mother's stop-and-go dieting, and she's only 5'2" (I'm 5'00") so I could actually relate to her body image as well! This book made me feel more peaceful, hearing how someone else has experienced something similar to me. It made me feel stronger, empowered, and less of a "lost cause." The Yoga aspect also appealed to me, as I've fallen in love with Hot Yoga and can't wait till I can afford to go back. And hearing how much Yoga improved the author's life makes me even more excited. I recommend this book heartily to anyone who has struggled to lose AND maintain their weight.

So that's that. Now here's something I haven't done in awhile:


Green Smoothies of the Week! (I'm alternating between two different ones this week)
*These measurements are approximate as I just eyeball it each time. Both recipes serve 1 (if using a large glass) or two (if using two small glasses)

Tropical
-Two large handfulls of Spinach (fills about 1/3 the bottom of the blender)
-1/2 cup frozen mango
-1/2 cup frozen pineapple
-1 ripe banana
-1/2 container (3 oz) peach (or other) flavored soy yogurt (optional)
-water (just enough to get it blending, usually to the 1 cup line on the blender. Add more as needed to get it to blend smooth)

BLEND and enjoy!

Berry
-Two large handfulls of Spinach
-1/2 cup frozen mixed berries (cherries, blackberries, raspberries, blueberries)
-1/2 cup frozen strawberries
-1 ripe banana
-1/2 container (3 oz) berry (or other) flavored soy yogurt (optional)
-water (see above for measurement)

BLEND!!!

My stomach is growling now! Time for curry and brown rice for dinner!

A little bit-o-detoxing

So I embarked upon my detox according to Natalia Rose's "Detox for Women" book for an entire week. And it has been wonderful! I admit though, I'm having trouble cutting out all sugars and pastries; Day one, I ate a wafer-cookie at about 2 in the morning after a long night out at my boyfriend's band's show. Day two I ate some ice cream. Days 3 and 4, I ate a pastries. I had ONE day where I ate well without a single sugar-sweet. But even with these setbacks, I had lost 4 lbs by this point!

Unfortunately, I realized I was spending quite a lot of money on groceries. After a lot of stress and disappointment, I decided to do a "budget detox" version (at least until I start my new job at Trader Joes where I will get to use my discount on produce!) Basically, instead of juicing for my first meal (which can get pricey)I eat a piece of low-sugar fruit like a green apple, grapefruit, or berries, usually around noon. Instead of a salad for my mid-day meal (since I eat a salad for dinner as well), I eat a simple mono-meal of raw veggies like carrots, usually around 2-4pm. And for dinner, I eat pretty much the same as the traditional detox from DFW; a BIG raw salad and whatever cooked veggies I want like a baked beet, baked sweet potato, sauteed veggies, etc.

Last night I hit another snag; while I ate my apple at noon, and an avocado at 3pm, by the time I got home from band practice, I was exhausted and overheated, and a little moody. My boyfriend offered to buy vegan taco bell burritos for dinner, which I accepted, and then chased them with an entire pint of ice cream. Not good this morning when I woke up! I was bloated and had gained back some lbs! I think it was mostly waste-weight, though, as I was feeling dense and constipated :(

Today, I followed my morning-afternoon detox routine, but then went a little non-detox for dinner; my boyfriend took us out for pasta. I got cheese shells...REAL cheese shells, not even vegan ones...and then we picked up some ice cream on the way home to eat later. I don't feel gross or over-full, but I really WANT to be dedicated to this detox. I want to get over these food cravings for greasy, heavy foods. I want more raw foods! I want sweets gone! Actually, I WANT to WANT them gone! This would be A LOT easier if I had a larger budget because I could replace these heavy foods with raw versions; zucchini pasta with raw marinara, raw ice cream. Then again, maybe I'm craving the interaction with my boyfriend? The going-on-a-date-feeling? Or maybe it's just that I'm subconsciously fighting the restrictions of my detox?

Well, you know what? The only thing that will get rid of these cravings, is a cleaner body. I don't crave this crap when my body is being filled with mostly raw foods and no sugar-sweets. So I need to make a commitment; a REAL commitment, not just some half-assed attempt. I need to commit to say NO to my cravings. I need to start anew, tell my friends, family, and boyfriend that I need support, quit going out to eat, quit eating sweets, and do this detox for the rest of the month! And as for sweets, I need to cut them all out, raw or not, so my body can re-adjust to living without them and crave them less. Then I'll be more in control when I DO choose sweets. And after that, I should start choosing high-quality sweets, preferably raw!

So am I ready to make that commitment? I think so. Geez, I am so fickle! Is it just me, or is everyone else crazy too???!!!

New Job, New Body!

I just accepted a job as a sign artist at the Issaquah Trader Joe's! I'm excited to be working in an environment where I will feel better suited. While Starbucks reintroduced me to the world of retail work, gave me excellent experience as a supervisor, and great references, I did not feel like it was a perfect match. I don't drink coffee, I am disturbed by the large number of coffee addicts who spend way too much on their drug, I think the pastries are unhealthy and cringe when people ask "which one is healthiest?", and I have to wear long sleeved shirts year round to cover my tattoos.

At Trader Joes, I'll be working around natural foods and will actually put my discount to use, considering the majority of my money is spent on groceries. I'll be able to dress casually AND wear short sleeve shirts because they allow tattoos! I'll have a regular, set schedule each week. I'll be working every weekend, however, but I will always be off by 2pm, so I can still enjoy my day. I'm excited to start my new job on the 15th!

In other news, I purchased "Detox for Women" by Natalia Rose recently, and have decided to embark on a one month detox according to her plan. I am a big fan of her previous books, and think that this one is her best yet. The plan is pretty easy, and not as strict as one would think. Usually the term "detox" or "cleanse" make people shiver with fright. But her plan is simple. I'll be drinking a lot of fresh veggie juice (in the morning) and eating LOTS of big salads with avocado, lots of cooked and raw veggies, baked sweet potatoes, quinoa and millet, and raw goat cheese. (Yes, I am still eating cheese. As I won't be eating soy cheese during this time, I don't think this program would appeal to me if I couldn't have something cheese-like.)

Anyhow, I recommend this book to any woman who just feels like crap about her body or feels like she has some extra weight to lose and isn't appalled by the idea of streamlining her current way of eating to a simpler, pure, whole foods diet. Her plan is workable for anyone, not just vegans or vegetarians. On her one month detox, she allows organic eggs, fish, and occasional chicken and very high quality meats for those who want them, in addition to raw goat cheddar (available at Whole Foods) and all raw and cooked veggies and vegetable juice. Grains and fruit are limited to a select few, since the object of this plan is to rid your body of yeasts and bacteria that grains and sugars feed (and are growing in pretty much EVERY non-cleansed woman's body) so you can easily shed excess weight and feel amazing. The last time I embarked on one of her plans (Raw Food Life Force Energy) I lost 5 pounds the first couple weeks, ten pounds total...and that was WHILE deviating frequently from the plan! I DO plan on sticking this one out to the best of my ability for the entire month.

I also finally ordered internet at my apartment along with VERY basic cable, so I'll be able to go online more often and catch up on LOST and report my progress with the detox! We don't get it installed till next week though.

That's all for now!

My confession to the Vegan Police

I've committed a crime against veganism and I feel like I should confess for my sins. As I am not currently keeping a paper journal (mine got filled up and I have yet to buy a new one) I'll just have to blog about it.

I ate cheese. Yep. I said it. I've been a pretty good (not perfect) vegan for almost two years, save for my short-lived experimentations with raw goat cheese last winter when I was eating mostly raw foods, and I have absolutely no excuse to be eating cheese now. It's easy to live without it. Farm and Slaughterhouse practices disgust me. There are plenty of delicious soy-based immitations.

So I am just pleading guilty and not giving any excuses. There is no such thing as "my body craves it" or "I need calcium and protien from dairy." That is all bullshit. This cheese thing just happend. But it was not an accident. Brian bought this amazing sounding goat cheese brie from the West Seattle Farmers Market and I just wanted some, simple as that. As much as I am disgusted by meat, eggs, milk, and other animal products, I've always had a difficult time being comletely appalled by cheese. So when Brian bought that cheese, it was a little surpising that I honeslty WANTED some! I reasoned with myself for awhile, but it just felt OK to eat it in the end. Not great, not a perfect idea, not a neccessity. Just OK. I could eat it if I wanted, and see how it made me feel.

To be honest, I really liked it. Of course I did. But what does this mean? Am I not vegan anymore? I'm not sure. I do know that I did enjoy the cheese and am not appalled by the idea of eating it occasionally. I also know that I DO NOT want to eat meat, drink milk, eat eggs, or consume any food with animal products or byproducts (whey, caesin, etc.) or use non-animal-friendly products...just cheese; fancy, high-quality, preferrably organic straight-up cheese.

Then again, this could very well be another hit-it-and-quit-it affair, like the raw goat cheese was and I could be sick of it very soon. Likely? We'll see.

Otherwise, I feel like I've been eating very well and exercising a decent amount. I've gone back to many of Natalia Rose's principles from her books, eating mostly raw fruits and vegetables, along with high quality grains (brown rice, quinoa, whole grain pasta) and cooked vegetables. I've minimized my gluten intake drastically as well as my soy-product consumption (my soy is usually in the form of occasional tofu or condiments like vegan ranch dressing, etc.) I've been avoiding processed foods which means I'm not eating as many mock-meats or mock-cheeses as I used to. I WILL still eat at my FAVORITE restaurants though, with no limitations (Squid and Ink and Bamboo Gardens!!!). I eat fruit (or Vega) for breakfast, veggies with vegan ranch (or salad) for lunch, and a big salad with a whole grain pasta, brown rice, quinoa, baked sweet potato, etc, for dinner.

I've also been doing yoga (I went to Hot Yoga with my mom twice and it was AWESOME!) and walking a lot. I feel pretty damn good!

Anyhow, there's my confession. I don't feel bad about it. Just a little confused.

I want to be healthy again...I AM healthy NOW!

So yeah, my conflicting pull between eating super cheap and eating super healthy has been tough. Last week I got sick of salads and ate cereal for breakfast and a peanut butter jelly sandwiches for lunch...it totally reminded me that I'm not missing out on ANYTHING by eating fresh and healthy! And now for the past few days I've been sick...not TOO sick, just congested and tired. I'm sure my recent diet has had quite a bit to do with that! Also, I quit drinking Vega a few weeks ago, which I feel was helping me consume a good amount of vitamins, protein, etc. And my skin, hair, and nails looked perfect while I was drinking it daily! So I gave in and bought a 2 week supply (using half-servings) and am going to eat salads again (bored or not.) I am also curious to try eating Gluten-Free for a week and see if that improves my overall diet, health, and tummy (I've been bloated.) I haven't read up on the benefits of eating a gluten-free diet too much, but I stumbled upon the symptoms of gluten intolerance and figure it could probably benefit me, intolerant or not, to limit gluten intake. In fact, I think any diet could benefit from the limitations of any of the common allergens (soy, peanuts, gluten.) I'm not quite ready to give of soy (in the form of tofu) or peanut butter (I LOVE peanut butter), but I figure I'll start with gluten. There's just something about a gluten-free diet that has been calling to me...maybe it's the bloating that keeps happening after I eat cereal and peanut butter sandwiches! That could also be due to poor food combining, as well. Anyhow, my diet needs to go back to basics, include more raw, and less sweets. On a good note, I haven't been binging quite as much lately! I've been snacking on chips and had two servings of ice cream last night, but nothing too detrimental; no over-stressed self-loathing! And my weight obsession has cooled a bit. I think I'm going to boycott the scale for awhile, just to be safe!

Annoyed, Overwhelmed, Lost

So you should know that I am on a quest to find the best eating plan for myself. I am already a committed vegan...but I'm also trying to figure out how to further improve my diet, balancing nutrition, taste, and weight-loss/weight-management. I have to admit, I'm a little weight-obsessed, which doesn't go well with my binge eating problem.

Anyhow, I had success in January/February when I created my Addiction Free Diet experiment, which was my own diet plan based on many of the principles I had learned from Natalia Rose's books. But then I had a binge and all my good work went down the drain. I have since gained 5 of the 10 lbs back and I just don't understand what my problem is. The obvious solution would be to just dive back into my AFDE plan. But I re-read Rose's books and "tried" to implement her principles again, but it just hasn't worked this time. I've questioned whether my failure was due to the fact that my eating plan just wasn't something that I could commit to life-long. But the truth is, it would have lasted if I hadn't binged, or if I would have turned it all around the next day and refrained from the urges to binge and overeat that followed. The binge created a snowball effect which has stuck me in a rut that I just can't seem to get out of. I can't find the passion for the diet I used to love; eating light to heavy, raw till dinner, eating proper food combos. Am I just being lazy?

Well, since then I have analyzed my diet, tried a few new things. Nothing has felt great. I still binge. I still overeat. I ate a substantial breakfast all week last week (as recommended by the book "Crave" by Cynthia M. Bulik to overcome binge eating) and I didn't see it improve anything. And when I think about all the different diet advice everywhere, it makes my head spin. One guide says to eat a big breakfast, another says not to eat until truly ravenous. Another says to eat 4 to 6 small meals a day. Another says to strictly count calories. Another says there is no need to count calories. Another says to eat lots of fruit. Another says to limit fruit. It really makes me feel so lost!

Here's what I personally have to work with: I know eating more raw fruits and veggies is good for me and I find success eating fruit and salads daily; I do not currently have the desire to be 100% raw; I do not currently have the finances to eat much high-raw besides daily fruit and salads; eating less calories helps me lose weight; sweets and junk food make me feel bad physically and emotionally, but I do have the desire to continue to eat sweets, as long as they are not part of a binge and do not lead to unhealthy choices and negative feelings

So shit, what do I do? Do I continue on with this "eating breakfast hungry or not" kick? Or do I go back to "don't eat until hungry, eat raw till dinner, light to heavy, with fruit being the first meal?" Financially, I like the idea of eating a bowl of cereal every day instead of worrying about how much it's going to cost to buy enough fruit to keep me feeling satisfied. Then again, am I really spending much more to eat 1 or 2 pieces of fruit every day?

I know this doesn't do much, but I just felt like ranting. I know I am so full of questions and I just annoy myself with them. I am way to obsessed about what I eat, but I really want to do what is best for my body, my health, AND my finances! Why can't there be a magical solution? Why does there have to be SO MANY different contradicting diet plans out there?